Signs of the times.

I have been going on dates from time to time since July.  I've had some good times and some not so good times.  I have thought I was done looking once, but it didn't work out that way.

I've met someone that has my eyebrow raised and I think I am going to hang up my dating shoes for a minute and see how my relationship shoes feel.  The thought of being in a relationship again is scary. I tell myself that I am single for a reason, and that those reasons are sufficient to keep me from letting someone call me their "number one."

Time Will tell....then I'll tell you.

Anthropology - Sometimes I feel like such a nerd.

Anthropology:
–noun

1. the science that deals with the origins, physical and cultural development, biological characteristics, and social customs and beliefs of humankind.
2. the study of human beings' similarity to and divergence from other animals.
3. the science of humans and their works.
4. Also called philosophical anthropology. the study of the nature and essence of humankind.

Every time I go out to dance and/or have drinks I love to people watch.  The more sober I am, the more scientific and analytical my observations become.  I also take into account my own reactions to the things I see.  A man in an ill fitting suit.  A woman in some heels that she is working, she knows she's working them and anyone that looks at her sees that she is working them and she is jamming like those things don't hurt.

My mind often wanders to the television shows that I have watched about animal mating rituals and natural and artificial means of attracting a mate.  Then I look across the room, across the dance floor.  As the Cupid shuffle begins to play and the women line up to switch, step and sway, I think about tribal dance and see painted faces, colourful clothes, "feathers", gems and other decorations.  I look to see the men looking over the women. Selecting a prospect? No. Admiring the works? Probably.  I often see men approach a woman after one of these displays.  There are a couple of dances that the men get up to strut their stuff, but more often than not it is the women that are looking to be seen and approached.

I've never been good at that kind of thing.  I enjoy dancing.  I prefer to dance like I'm the only one that cares what I'm doing.  This fact will one day be an embarrassment to my children, but it hasn't yet.  I must be a good dancer or they are bad.  I like to think I'm a good dancer.  I let the music take me off someplace happy and free.

Anyway.  I can wear makeup but prefer not to.  I have pretty jewelry and nice clothes.  I like to feel pretty when I go out.  I like it when someone looks nice because they know that I am going to be looking at them.  Just for me.  My "bait" is normally my voice, coupled with my mind.  I speak clearly, smoothly and have clever things to say from time to time.  I find that as long as I look at people as a curiosity and not a potential relationship, I can be pretty charming.  I also have a nice smile and extremely soft skin. I'm just sayin'.

I get such a kick out of watching other people talk and flirt.  I wonder what they are thinking about each other.  I try to figure out what their body language is saying.  Being a certified "road dog" I meet many people second hand. (pun?)  I pride myself on not being the first one ready to go.  I'm down to watch the whole spectacle.  Objectively or subjectively, it all depends on my level on intoxication.

Lately my level of intoxication has been very low.  So I notice more, but ignore just as much.  I am good for going to the bar to get a drink and barely noticing anyone I may pass.  I do, however, have to work to keep a soft smile on my face.  I tend to get deep in thought and start to look rather mean.

I notice the awkward looking guy holding his drink like a shield.  He seems to hope someone will notice him, but not too sure what he would do if they did.  I notice the beautiful woman with a nice body and cute dress that hates her shoes and looks mad for no obvious reason.  I notice the esthetically unpleasing guy with a beautiful woman and she looks happy and he looks like he would rather be home.  It is almost like a life action where's.......fill in the blank.

I've been dating.  So I've decided to join the "fun." I'm trying to get some words together to convey a some of what I've experienced.

More to come...

Facebook Update

I reactivated my Facebook account.I have found other ways to entertain and inform myself while on my break from it.

I had a few messages from friends that noticed I was back in their friend list.  I have not posted an update lately.  There is so much on my mind, I don't know what I want to share.

A friend of mine from work once told me that my Facebook status messages are all over the place.  One day they are deep, then funny, then just plain strange.  I was pleased to hear him say that, because that is me.  I'm not deep all the time.  I'm not funny all the time.  I am pretty strange about all the time, but I just don't let it hang out too often.  I am me. I think hateful things that I don't say. I do nice things that I don't talk about.  I think it is normal to be that way.  Though normal is not how I would describe much in my life.

I have noticed that I am not as into Facebook as I once was.  I would rather do something around the house.

More to come...

Observations While Out in the World

I enjoy going out.  I have said that I enjoy watching people interact with each other.  I know that when I wear a blouse that shows some cleavage, it is because I want someone to see it.  Sometimes I just feel sexy. Sometimes I want to show off my tattoo.

Going out to a club can be better than going to the movies for me.  I get to watch a mix of all the things I like. Romance, Comedy, Drama, Suspense all set to music. Some of the music I know or music I don't know.

Last night I went out with my sister.  We did the "cheap date" dinner, had drinks and just caught up.  I like to tell her stories of my dating experiences.  We like to talk about the things we see and the things we want to do.

I have to admit that while at the "club" we went to I normally drink.  I didn't last night.  I had a beer with dinner and a couple of mixed drinks.  I know it wasn't enough to even get me tipsy.  Let me just say that I know I need to find someplace else to go when I think, "I'm not drunk enough for this mess!" or if I find myself wishing for some other altered state of consciousness.  I would have been able to fool myself into thinking I was having more fun than I actually was.

I did see some people that I like seeing.  That is always nice.  Though not enough to promote my continued presence.  I did see someone I haven't seen in a while.  I don't know this person at all.  We danced together back in July and he was a great dancer.  I didn't recognize him until I saw him on the dance floor.  I know his name and that he is a good dancer, but really nothing else.  Oh, I learned something else.  Breath mints! The man needed a box of breath mints.  I went over to speak and when he turned to me and opened his mouth, My eyes started to water as the smell of hot, rotting fish filled my nostrils. I blinked and prayed the conversation would be brief.  He said a few other things and asked me if I was dancing tonight and I said, "Maybe later."  I hoped I would be able to find him a mint or offer him some gum before we were face to face on the dance floor.  I had to go make sure my skin didn't peel off a bit.  I was stunned.  Later I was thinking, "I'm not drunk enough for this." and soon realized that I need to find someplace else to go.

Let's see how that adventure goes...

Move is a "four letter word"

I hate moving. I really hate moving. I really really hate moving. I really really really hate moving!!!

I am a pack rat. It is amazing the amount of clutter that one family can accumulate in the course of about three years. I've been spending some of my time off facebook working with some of the clutter. I don't want to move a bunch of trash, which is what I did the last two times I moved. Every session of sorting, shredding and trashing is bringing me closer to a more organized and peaceful home.

I go home after work and set a timer for about 20 minutes and work on a pile of mail, school papers or old papers that have been pulled out from under, well only the good Lord knows where all my crap was stashed. I've come across papers from five years ago. I'm saddened by that. Though I'm not embarrassed because, I'm not a hoarder. After watching a couple of episodes of that show, I can't help but want to throw away anything that I can't logically justify having. I do have some things that really should be donated to somewhere they can be put to good use. Like the box of remnant yarn I keep pulling out and putting back in my closet. I have not crocheted anything in over eight months. I CAN crochet, so that means I should have yarn around in the event a "string flinging" episode overtakes me and I must make something that won't match, stylistically speaking, anything that I or my children wear. Yeah, I'm digging that box out of my closet tomorrow!

I have a modest collection of shot glasses. I have been eyeing them lately, but I've decided they will stay for now. They are fun and they make me look like a drinker. LOL. Maybe I'll post them on ebay or something so someone can buy them. I guess I'll keep about 6 to 12 of them. I'll go home and count them to find out that I have like 14, so I'll end up keeping them all. They don't take up a lot of space anyway.

I think I will invest in a scrapbook or photo album. I have a lot of pictures just piled up in a box and not where they can be looked over or appreciated. I think I will make that my "hobby" project to encourage me to keep my facebook time to a minimum and do something that is creative with my hands, something that my family can enjoy.

The search for another place to park my pillow has been very frustrating. I have budget constraints and don't want to over tax my resources. It really sucks that what I want and what I can easily afford are so distant in reality. I will keep looking and hopefully find my upgrade soon.

Update: Facebook

Saturday will be four weeks without facebook.

I thought it would be harder, but it hasn't been that hard at all. Luckily, I like to watch shows on-line. I've caught up on some of the shows I like. I've gotten some direct messages from friends that miss me on there and feel that I am missing out on some networking opportunities, but feel I am spending more time doing for me and those important to me.

I am still struggling with my writing. I want to get to the point where I have stories to tell that are funny.

I am going to read a book about the five love languages. I also plan to read Act like a Lady, think like a man or something like that. I've read some excerpts and think I want to read more.

More to come...

Facebook Break

Ever the "Mad Scientist", emphasis on the Scientist more so than the Mad. I've decided it was time to take a break from "Facebooking my life away" as my teenage daughter puts it. She says that because she has not been allowed to open a facebook account.

I am going to dedicate the time that I would normally be on facebook to working on getting my home decluttered and organized. Fifteen minutes at a time.

The reason I deactivated my account was personal, but I've decided to turn the situation to my advantage. Lemonade and all that.

I have already noticed that Facebook was one of the first sites I went to when I went on-line. Now? Youtube! I have play lists that I run while I am working around my room. The next one is Hulu. I've been able to catch up on some of my favorite shows.

I think I will also work on putting my cook book together. I have a lot of recipes. Every time I try something new, I have a recipe for it. That way I can duplicate it. I hate to have made something that turned out really tasty and not be able to do it again. I am going to focus on working my business more and getting back on a regular baking schedule. Since the weather has been hot, I have not been motivated to get orders. Not that fall is almost year, I'm going to have some fun trying some new sweets and experimenting with bread recipes.

I've been off for almost a week. My short term goal is to be off for two weeks and I will take it one week at a time from there. Who knows! I might not go back for months.

Time will tell.

More to come....

Happy School Year ~ Mother Rant

I love smart people. I want my children to be smart people. School is one place to learn things, but let's not forget the importance of learning at home. Too often we experience the lack of common courtesies in the way people treat each other.

It kills me and makes me proud at the same time when people talk about how polite my children are. . . .like it's strange. The fact of the matter is that it is strange for a 4 and 5 year old to have manners. It shouldn't be, but it is. My sons say "Please" and "Thank You" it is a part of how we interact at home and a part of how they are expected to act when they are not home.

My teen aged daughters, though at times they may lose their minds a little, are respectful and polite. They try to be helpful and know how to do things like cook, clean and take care of basic personal needs. Don't get me wrong. We have our moments when they are nuts. A trip down the hallway on the old "mommypult" can bring them back to reality. It is the little things, you know? That keep things together. It feels good to have my daughter tell me that she is starting to notice how different her upbringing is from that of her friends. She told me of a comment made by a family friend about the fact that she can cook. The woman said that young women these days don't know their way around the kitchen. That conversation highlighted for my daughter that there was something different about the way she was being raised versus her friends.

Anyway! School has started and this is the first year that everyone is involved in school outside the home. I don't know how to act with the house all quiet after I get back from my "Morning Mommy Rounds." Today, I'm tired. Very tired. I just want to lie down and sleep for 6 or more straight hours. I didn't get to do that for the first day. It was my own fault.

A new school year is full of possibilities. New friends, old friends, new teachers, old teachers, new subjects and new challenges, not to mention old ones. I want my children to be pumped up about all of the positive things that can happen while being cautious of the bad things. They know it is important for them to be in place on time and prepared for the tasks of the day. They know it is important to stay on top of the resources they need and manage the ones they have in a responsible way. It is an ongoing process. I try to be consistent. That too is an ongoing process.

This was all prepared on little sleep and even less food. Hopefully my next post will be more coherent.

More to come...

My thoughts on loss...

In the past 10 years or so, I have had more friends than family members pass away. It seems like by the time I have dealt with the grief of one passing, the news of another comes down the line.

Every time I'm saddened about the passing of a friend or loved one, I want to remember the positive experiences I had with them.
-Admiring a co worker's frankness
-Joking with another about parking our car when we thought something was wrong, like just sitting would resolve whatever was making that noise under the hood
-telling my old manager the he was going to have to take me to HR when I lost the weight I was working to lose because I was going to be slapping people
-corny jokes
-The lesson in chivalry I witnessed when I went bowling with a couple of guy friends a few years back.

**You know that moment when you start to look at someone in a whole new way? Now they are all gone. Only memories, stories to tell when their name comes up in conversation with friends.

I never know what to say when someone passes. I don't know what I would want to hear so it is hard for me to think of what would comfort someone else. There is no making someone feel better when they lose someone they love. All we can offer is comfort and condolences. Sometimes there are no words.

"Thank You & Good Night!"

"The best laid plans" and all that crap.

I'm kicking myself right now. I missed the slam! I've been waiting for months to attend this slam.

July 17th marked the beginning of a very welcome invasion. My sister and her family arrived Saturday evening and stayed until the 29th.

The day of the slam I went out with my sisters to go shoe shopping. I really don't like to shop for shoes for myself. I enjoyed the girl time with my sisters. We haven't done that before so it was nice to go to different places and try to find shoes that we liked. I actually found some shoes and was very pleased because the last time I went shoe shopping, I couldn't find anything and went home disappointed.

Anyway worked the night before and spread myself a little thin with what I wanted to get done. When we got home from shoe shopping, I had to sit down for a little bit. There is normally an open mic before the slam and I was thinking that I had time to rest up some before heading out to the slam. We left the house at 9 and got there just as the host was saying to the crowd, "Thank you and good night!"

Damnit! I missed every single word. Some of my favorite North Carolina poets were in attendance. Sigh, we chatted and socialized some and went for ice cream before heading on in to the house. I had to listen to my body and slow it down because bad things happen when I push too hard. God willing I will be able to attend something else in the future.

More to come...

Platinum! ~ Grownups are allowed to drink.

Life has been interesting for me lately. I've been pulled in all different directions while trying to listen to my heart beat and find the passion in my life. I have never been a very passionate person. I try to look at things simply, think flexibly and be nice.

I am not much of a drinker. I would go so far, at times, to say that I am not one at all. I know that now, better than I ever have before.

It is strange how life happens. I found out today that a friend from work passed away Friday. Sometimes things happen so fast that it can be overwhelming to think about.

Friday was that day. I didn't hear about my coworkers passing until later when I got to work. My cousin had a car accident Friday afternoon, he was not hurt, and my sister and I went to pick him up. Later that evening, my daughters' stepsister had a blow out and their godfather was kind enough to go pick her up and bring her back to our apartment where she would be safe until her mother could come get her the next morning. I invited a friend to come out with my sisters and me who had car trouble and didn't make it out. The bright side is that no one was hurt. The flip side is that folks are broke now.

People are what is important, irreplaceable. Money comes and goes.

I was looking forward to this night for a while. I didn't have to work the following night so I was going to drink as much as I wanted knowing that I didn't have to get up to go to work the next day. I made sure I had someone to see that I got home safe and grabbed a drink. Platinum! 7x distilled, whatever that is supposed to mean. It was relatively inexpensive and effective. Mixed a few drinks and let the room spin begin. I'll be the first to admit, I over did it. I had a good time, so I'm told. From what I remember, I had a good time and from what I don't remember, I had a good time. Needless to say, it won't be happening again anytime soon.

No Slam for me......it's going to be a great show!

THURSDAY, JULY 22ND
8PM - 10PM
KRANKIES COFFEE - 211 East 3rd Street, Winston Salem, NC 27101
(336) 722-3016‎

Support the Piedmont Slam team as they compete in a mock slam against The Bull City Slam Team, Slam Charlotte and other slam teams from the NC and SC area! This slam will be a fundraiser and preparation for the National Poetry Slam in St. Paul's MN, Aug 3 - 7.

I planned to participate in the slam, but I got this in an e-mail. I am a little disappointed about it. I am excited about the show! These people go at it like the rent is on the line. I'm still going. I don't know if there will be an open mic, so I guess I will be a spectator. That lady. You know the one. The one that hoots and hollers louder than anyone else. Not that drunk lady, no, no, no. I'm that enthusiastic one. The one that cheers for the new person and shows love to the artists that moved me that night.

I haven't written anything new, but I have been practicing my other pieces. I have the voice part recorded of two pieces and am at a stand still on recording others. I don't like the sound of my voice, but I like the sound of my twin sister's. The awful thing is that we sound almost exactly alike.

I have come to really enjoy spoken word performances. Sometimes I listen and the piece is thought provoking. Others, I am purely entertained. I love it when it is an experience. That is why I'm looking forward to the slam in July. There will be a few teams there and it should be interesting. A couple I have seen before and some I haven't. Since I can't go on the slam tour and see some of the larger competitions, it is nice to know that I will be able to see one of the stops on the Slam Tour.

Feel free to come on out. I'll be the loud one in the corner down front. Peace and Blessings.

Yikes! My bad!

I can't believe that it has been so long since I've posted. I was reading a blog that I follow and thinking, "I've been doing good to post on mine. Wait! I haven't posted in almost two months! Crap!"

Well life has been busy. The summer is here and my children's school year is over so now I have them to keep me company when I should be sleeping. Working til 3 a.m. is nuts when your children get up like the military. 5 a.m. and the troops are on the move. I love the faces people make when I tell them that my children get up at 5 in the morning. It's like they can't understand why. Children love chaos, they need order.

Life has been happening since I last wrote. I started dating, sort of. I stopped dating, for real. I've been working my business and then business fell off a little bit. Now it is starting to pick up again. I am thinking about investing in some catering supplies. My business has been presented with some opportunities to network. I am still trying to figure out what my next steps need to be. I had the conversation today so I am still thinking on it and I'm going to pray on it before I go to sleep tonight.

I think that my life is like a tide. Ebb and flow of the water. Things are a little hectic for a bit then they calm down. My business is cranking with three orders a week for a month or so and then no orders for a few weeks. It worked out great because those weeks were when things were a little crazy. I am so blessed.

I have been trying to be my house in order. Mostly tackle my clutter. I want to be able to have company on short notice and not feel anxious about what my house looks like. It is a process, but I will not let my anxiety keep me from welcoming an unexpected guest.

I will be attending a family reunion this weekend. It is my father's family. I have not attended one of theirs in a while. It is so hard to be around them because they look like him and sound like him. It is surreal. I am hoping for a nice time. It will be a nice way to kick off my children's visit with my mother. They will be visiting for a few weeks and we are all going somewhere together before they stay with her to spend their summer quality time.

I will get something else written soon to share. Until then...More to come.

Poem: Does it Bother You?

Does it bother you not to hear my voice?

Do the sweet vibrations of my vocal cords sweetly saying your name, calling you names and calling your name as I.................sigh, remember your touch, make you remember the way my skin feels on your skin?

Do you think about me when you are angry? Rage against the world that saddens me.

Does it bother you that what I want to do to you is so much more than physical? Knowing that you miss me as much as I miss you, but I won't admit it. For now.

Does it bother you that I am the way I am with you because of the way you are with me? No disguise, no game, no judgement, just good times.

Does it bother you to let me go because you think without you I'm free?

Or could it be.....

I don't want to talk to you, I want to see you. I want to make you smile. I love it when you fight it.

I know that you can feel the something special in me, but you don't know what it is. Laughter is easy around you and I can't help but smile.

Know that when you let me go, I will come back as long as your arms are open to receive me.

Does it bother you that we still may never be?

Creative Ramble

Creatively speaking I have been all over the place lately. I've been writing, cooking, experimenting in the kitchen and I have even been playing around with the prospect of producing a CD. No, not singing.
I know enough that I can't sing. I can hum and occasionally I may be able to make a pretty sound, but I am smart enough to know that is not singing. So I keep it to the confines of a room full of people or church where the sound is masked my those much more capable than me in the creation of consistent lovely tones.

My voice is my clay today. Saying words in different ways like playing with a slinky as it goes up and down. Playing with my breath, creating pauses and hoping it all comes together to make a discernible picture. I feel like I'm playing with finger paint, and hoping someone else can see what I am slapping on the paper. Do you?

If I could do something with this, I would have a spot where I could make all of the food that my imagination calls for and in a space that people could come to hear and be heard.

I am in the process of putting together something, but it is still in the planning stages. I hope to share more soon.

I was thinking the other day that I write this blog like I have so many readers. I appreciate the fact that you take the time to read what I write. One reader on one million, the words are still the same and I hope you enjoy!

Peace and Blessings! More to come....

Poem: Edible Chocolate Fantasy

I LOVE a challenge. Is that what you'll be? Chocolate poured all over me.

Dark and smooth, a voice so sweet. My edible chocolate fantasy.

The way you stir me up, temper me, with just the right amount of heat. Cool me til I shine, that's the best way to be. I'm for you and you're for me.

Or am I like ice cream? Cold as ice, sweet, mmmm, yeah that's it. Stick out your tongue and do that trick. Lick, Lick. (Motherfucker)

That look you get in your eye when you see me. Makes me think of an edible chocolate fantasy. The way you slide your arms around me, I melt. There is just no other way I can be. Covering you in my edible chocolate fantasy.

I am SO pleased to be...

But what are you to me? The chocolate to my peanut butter. The sugar to my taffy. My Decadent Distraction. So good, but probably not good for me.

Perceptive, adept , expressive and clever, I so want to figure you out. The way you turn a phrase, I am amazed at the subtle way you go about messing with my mind. I think somehow you've damaged me. So these words inside come spilling out.

YOU'RE SUCH A WRITER! You bring out the writer in me.

Your hot cocoa butter cream, caramel dream and though it seems. There is so much I want to know and some I'm scared to see. What are you like when you're not around me?

Hot dark chocolate, ready for me to dip my peanut butter. My heart starts to flutter when I remember the way you eat me.

120! Not boiling, but so hot. You've got my head spinning and juices, so sweet, flowing. Can you handle what's cookin' in this honey pot?

Hour after hour, we will devour the pieces of eachother we share. Could this be?

Edible.

Chocolate.

Fantasy.

I'm for you and you're for me.

Poem: Hostage

So you want to hold ME hostage? The thought makes my heart race. Held tight in your arms, bound by your passionate embrace.

Captivated and captured, for a time. Pushing to be free, but my desire is to be held. By you. I relent. Being detained, but not trapped, I am safe within your grasp.

I will be your hostage. Closed into your embrace. Bound by your gaze and calmed by your voice. Your hands like shackles on my wrists, holding me. I cannot run, no need to hide. I am here.

My desire for you is primal. Animalistic in its execution. Teeth on flesh, nails in skin. That spot..........that only you seem to be able to find. Feeling your hands in my hair, electricity courses through me. A whisper, a sigh and I try to break free. This moment is all that exists. Reality calls me back to it. Exhausted, I cannot return.

Gatekeeper, release me. My responsibilities beckon me and I must go. Fierce and dangerous, my release leaves you marked. Chained. I am in your thoughts.

I will let you hold me hostage...for as long as it takes ...until I have served my time...I want to be your hostage...for we are imprisoned in this pattern of life...love..spirit. Until I break free. Will you pursue? Try to capture me again for the things I do to you?

Does that make you think? Are you captive? Filling your mind with thoughts of my caresses. Binding you and locking you in a cell of the four walls of my touch, kiss, breath and bite. Isn't that right?

You are mine and I am yours, for a time. Captured by and for each other, until our time is up and we must part. Missing you, missing me, missing we and we must be apart.

Thieving time for a chased embrace and show of affection. The chase is on. Until that time when I am yours and you are mine. It's true.

I am your hostage? Take me now. I've already got you.

Poem: Lost & Found

I get lost so easily.

I get lost going "home", I get lost coming back. I get lost in my thoughts and find myself in a place I didn't mean to be.

I'm so glad you found me.

Soulful Sundays

I attended Soulful Sundays at Club Genesis on the 18th of this month. It was my first time. I am looking forward to the next edition.

I have a regular Friday plans so I'm good for getting friends to come out and enjoy some music and open mic entertainment. I think I have found a great Sunday activity. Soulful Sundays happens the 3rd Sunday of the month.

The host was a very pleasant person D. Noble. A man, I have never met before. The whole thing was casual and friendly. It was almost like going to a friend's for some live music, a little trash talk and some awesome poetry.

I was fortunate enough to see the North Carolina A&T slam team perform. They are a very talented group.

The feature poet's name was MEKKAH. She was wonderful. I really enjoyed what she had to share. I hate that I didn't have any money to buy her DVD.

Time will tell what poetry has in store for me.

More to come...

Inspiration - no recorder, no paper! Darn.

I do a lot of thinking when I am driving. I work odd hours so the drive home from work is usually pretty quiet. Unless I decide to try to chat with someone while I'm scooting along.

The drive into work is normally filled with inspiration and no way to put those words down. That is frustrating. I'm thinking about a conversation or something I saw and words start to fly around in my mind into little bits of poetry. More like bubbles because once they float off they are gone, gone, GONE!

I need to get more sleep.

No Marathon for me, I'll take a long walk.

My mother is coming for a visit.

If you still have your mother, you may feel something from the words above. My feelings? Anxiety mostly, but excitement. I love my mother very much. I think that my relationship with her is better than any of my 5 other siblings. That relationship comes with a cost. A price I am willing to pay. That price? My home is a preferred destination. My mother knows my children better than any of my sibling's children. Even though I don't call my mother as much as some of my siblings, my children call my mother. I think that is so sweet.

It occurs to me that my children might be "telling" on me to my mother, but she doesn't fuss at me after talking to them, so they get to continue to live under my roof. I'm not sure what they talk about, but I am pretty certain they are not talking about what punishment they are on now. Then they might have to tell "Mommy" what they got in trouble for and they want to keep the rose coloured glasses on my mother's eyes.

My mother has historically come to visit for 4 weeks at a time. This trip will be a shorter one. Two weeks. I wanted to feel bad about cutting her visit short, but I thought back to her last two visits and she has wanted to go home in 2 weeks and I have felt like I am keeping her at my house against her will. I've decided that I'm not even going to fight it. Two weeks and she is free to go.

My mother told me that she doesn't want to go where she is not wanted. She knows that I want her to come for a visit. I have to practically hound her to get her to come. I feel like I have to put on a Vaudeville Show. I just don't have it in me to keep flipping, dancing and doing jazz hands until she agrees to stay.

I realized that I am so much like my mother, it is scary to acknowledge that I will one day be just like her. God willing, I will be more cheerful. I think I have a pleasant disposition.

Like her, I don't like being told what to do, even if it is for my own good. I like to be shown the reason in a course of action and to decide that I agree with it for whatever reason I might have, normally as long as it is not "for your own good." Even though that is the best reason to do anything at all. Right? Shouldn't we all be looking out for our own good? People often don't do what is for their own good and end up having to deal with the Universe's course corrections, putting them back on the path to what is for their own good. Life is funny that way.

So I will soon hit the road to pack her into my SUV and bring her to my home for a couple of weeks. I will read her my blog and perform my poetry for her. She will tell me that I am being too sassy or something along those lines. She will poke at me and I will needle her. I will show her how we make all of our bread now, something that has happened since her last visit. I will boil the bejesus out of some vegetables so they are soft enough for her to eat without hurting her gums.

My current work schedule makes it hard for me to be able to really enjoy my mom because, when she is awake...half the night, I am at work. When I am asleep during the day, she is awake and wondering why I am not up to entertain her or take her to do something. I have a better plan this time. I am going to let her grandson wake her up early in the morning to talk and play blocks, his favorite. I am going to make her breakfast before I lay down to rest. I really like when we get a chance to sit and chat with each other.

My mother is such a smart and clever woman.

So I'm sharpening my wit, toughening my skin and singing a happy tune as I drive down the highway. Soon my hall will be filled with the sound of judgementalism! (I know that is not a word, but you know what I mean!) I will be slightly sleep deprived and my children will get to spend time with their Grandmother.

I wonder what stories she will tell me about the past. I promise to share the good ones.

More to come...Thanks for reading.

So What's in a handshake?

One of the great things about getting out on a regular basis is meeting new people. My inner "Mad" scientist really loves to watch people interact and to get to interact with other people.

I enjoy the things I see and I think my favorite thing to see is hugs. I like the warmth and caring that putting your arms around someone shows. I like to meet people that hug rather than hand shake. I will always offer my hand to shake, but really like it when someone makes a face at my hand and opens their arms.

I am a super affectionate person. SUPER. AFFECTIONATE. Yes! That's me. I love to hug and be hugged and I am blessed that I am always around people that are pleasant to hug.

There are times when I meet someone that I am not sure if offering a hug is appropriate. There are some that go by the rule of not shaking hands with women, but I worry sometimes about someone being creepy and just wanting to feel my chest against their body.

I guess that I may have to reconsider offering my hand in the future. Why? I shook hands with a man last night that grasped my hand so tightly, I immediately forgot his name. I feel terrible because I wanted to know what it was. The shock of having my hand squeezed as though he perceived me as a threat, removed the information from my mind before I could store it.

I found an interesting article on handshake etiquette here: Read the article from the link if you like.(http://ezinearticles.com/?Handshake-Etiquette&id=2250694)

I figured I would share here the points shared that speak to my recent experience.

***A good handshake can make or break your first impression. Here are a list of things that will help you make a great impression with your handshake.

1. Stand when you shake your hands; always make sure you stand still when you shake hands. This may seem simple and obvious, but there are people who mess this up by offering a hand while sitting down or while walking.

5. Have a firm handshake: A limp handshake always leaves a bad impression, so does a bone-crunching handshake. If you are shaking hands with a lady, you can still have a firm handshake - many ladies are offended when someone gives them a limp handshake just because they are women.

10. Always end your hand-shake with a pleasant smile and eye-contact.***


I am bad for offering a hand when I am sitting down. I think I will try to make sure, if I decide to continue to do hand shakes, that I will make sure I am standing for them. When I read the "bone-crunching" reference, I thought "That's what happened to me." There is something sort of funny about the CRUNCHING, not CRUSHING. Somehow referring to the sound exaggerates the experience to the extreme.

My hand still hurts. I still can't remember the guys name. Darn.

Poem: Thoughts of you.....

When I go to sleep, my thoughts are not of you. They are of him.
When I wake up, my thoughts are not of him. They are of me.
As I move through my day trying to move forward in my life, I can only hope that you will move on too.

I can fight with him, and fight with him, and fight with him and never win, but I don't lose. It's not that way with you. You have to win, so we both lose.

When I think of you, I don't smile. I used to. I remember those days. Before, you thought you loved me. Before you put me on a pedestal that I don't deserve. Keeping me from the pedestal that I do.

When I was excited to see you and I thought you were something other than what time showed you to be.

When I think of him, I bite my lip. I bite my lip and think of far off places, candles that have never been lit and baby oil.

For all of the time that we have been together, you don't know me. Neither does he.

He knows that aspect of me that is so frustrated with you, I want to take it out on someone, and he lets me. Stopping me before I go too far.

Just different. Pleasing in your own way as he is in his.

When I have thoughts of you, I have thoughts of him.

I am not a writer.

I was on the phone with a friend today, catching up, and he told me that I should be cautious of artists, musicians, writers and especially poets. He said that they always have the right words to say and in the end it turns out that they didn't mean much if any of it at all.
I've been hanging out with artistic types lately. It is always great because they tend to get my creative juices flowing. Even if they aren't expressing the thoughts that I am trying to express, it can be energizing.
I happened to speak with another friend, who IS a writer, and told this friend about the words of caution. Here is what I can remember if their response, along with my own artistic contributions.

Now I am more inclined to take to heart the cautions.

I am not a writer. I simply take words and arrange them in a way to create a mental picture, but I am not a writer.
I am a cook in the kitchen and a beast in the bedroom, but I am not a writer.
I use the words in my heart to speak to your mind, but I am not a writer.
I can use my hands in ways that will relax your body and give peace to your soul. I am not a writer.
I am a parent to my children and a friend to those in need. I am not a writer.
I am a fighter, a wrestler, a promoter, a deal maker. I am not a writer.
I simply take words and arrange them in a way to create a mental picture. I am not a writer.
I need to go write this down.

(I thought I would beat them to the punch! Peace and Love)

Creativity

I really like being around creative people. Not because I am not creative myself, but their creativity spurs my creativity. I think of it as a battery recharge.

I have written a lot lately about poetry and even a little poetry myself. I have even mustered the nerve to participate in a few open mics. For someone that loves the sound of my own voice, I am ever struck by how nervous I get when I grab a microphone or stand behind one.

I have decided that I am going to participate in a slam in July. Having committed myself to a date is exciting. Now I have work to do. I have managed to write a few new pieces and will work the performance out at my favorite open mic on Fridays. I want to make it past the first round. I think that is a goal for a first time slam participant. I have seen the caliber of artists that go to this slam and it is a lofty goal for sure.

I have decided that I want to learn 5 pieces. I have two of them down and am in the process of learning the third, a poem written in the voice of one of my daughters. The other two are in the process of being formulated in my mind. I may sing. That would shock some people I know. I don't know about all of that. We will see.

As it stands right now I have just been trying to get my friends to come and give me feedback on my performance. I am really looking forward to the day another part of me can be shared with the people that I have worked with and around for the past 9 years. I write a lot about the duality of a thing or situation, mainly because I feel split in two at times, between my home life and work life. I think these types of separation are important. No one should be professional all the time. No one can be. I guess the problem is when the perception becomes the persona and people don't know one from the other.

I believe that being able to express yourself artistically, creatively it crucial in self actualization.

Here's to achieving movement toward that end in 2010.

More to come..

Poem: Shoes

I need a new pair of shoes.

My month is over and I finally have something left.
My bills are paid, but there will be more.
Rent, lights, food. Babies gotta eat.
Four beautiful faces looking at me for support.

I can’t do this by myself.

I’m rich with the blessings of friends and family.
Rich with the love and support for all my endeavors.

My body aches, my heart breaks. My head hurts and still I move. walking.
I walk so I can keep from screaming.
I walk so I can keep from taking a head long dive toward the nearest pillar to knock myself out.
Maybe I could sleep through all this craziness and maintain the stability I always wanted but could never seem to achieve.

I believe the children are our future, Whitney had it right. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

I have a potential doctor, lawyer, teacher and musician. Ya’ll I’m on a mission! To show them that they make brighter days.

I can’t help the decisions of others.

Deciding that they have a choice where I see none.
Bills need to be paid, babies gotta eat. The end of my month and my money have to meet.

I need a new pair of shoes.

Poem: I am more than I appear

I am more than I appear
Good friend - total shithead

I am more than I appear
passionate lover - distracted participant

I am more than I appear
My parents did a great job of teaching me to be polite. Most days.
My brother did an excellent job of making sure I am articulate. Most ways.

I am the sum of my experiences and the consequences of my decisions. The victim of my self consciousness. The strength of my convictions, right or wrong.

I am more than I appear
Don't let the sweet voice fool, my kind words are not all I have to offer.

At times I may seem exceptional, but I am broken in places. Confused and misguided, I have made my share of mistakes.

I am more than I appear.

I can sense the subtle sound of the mind's whispers.
I can feel the tension and excitement of words unspoken.
I observe the unnoticed and at the same time am oblivious to the overt!

You see, I have in me a dichotomy that reveals only a small part of me.
So pay attention. You may see me professionally, but you don't know how hard I play.

I am much more than I appear. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Potluck Meetup....

It might sound strange, but I'm in that kind of space. I am working to make new friends so I can work to attain some level of balance in my life. I need a life outside of my children. It will give me a chance to not go through withdrawal when they leave home eventually.

In the pursuit of activities outside of my home, I decided to join a meetup club that has pot luck dinners. I am one of the first 20 members.

I have been looking for activities that I can do on my days off. A way to get me out of the house and since I love to cook, it seemed like a great way to kill two birds with one stone.

I attended the first potluck on 2/14/2010. I was nervous, but my sister went with me. I think that I was probably one of the oldest people in the house. The cool thing is the food was great and the company was too. Since I have been told by my friends that I am a food critic, it is wonderful to have a positive experience when I eat food that was not prepared in my kitchen.

I am looking forward to the next experience! Maybe a vegetarian potluck? We will see.

More to come...

Adventure!

I am a grown woman. I have child-like tendencies.

I am curious and awestruck by many simple things that I am sure others take for granted.

I don't see many roses, but I will stop and admire the blue sky on my walk into work. Little things both entertain me and make me happy. We do what we must to get through the day.

I can laugh at a joke with the abandon of a child at times. I can be all about business and getting my work done at others.

I mention all that to say that people could lead a bit more interesting lives if they embrace their sense of adventure. Go for a walk and see if you can spot a squirrel. Reads something that you might not find initially interesting. You might learn something new. The world is full of wonder yet to be discovered by the otherwise closed mind.

I hope that you will choose to try to expand your horizons even just a little. It can be something as simple as trying something new. A new jelly flavor for instance. What if you like it? What if it is the most amazing taste you have ever experienced. Think about it. If you're bold, pick something else to try.

More to come...

My sister's Visit.

Spending time with my sister and nieces was great! We have such a high level of love and respect for eachother. I admire her strength and tenacity and she admires mine. We just have different challenges that we take head on, but look at the other's and wonder how she has the strength to deal.

We read the poem "Infatuation" ~ December 15, 2009 Entry. At the open mic. My friend Eurydice, helped me arrange the piece to be performed by two people. My twin and I practiced it a couple of times after she got here and took the stage in matching shirts. I didn't throw up, but I did get nervous. Not her. She stood up there and spoke so strong and calm. She's my hero. All in all I am pleased with the performance. I am going to work on memorizing the poem for future open mics. I might just slam one day.

We made it a girls night out. My sister and her first born, me and my first born. All getting behind the mic to read something.

We watched the slam that was after the open mic and got to see Eurydice win the opportunity to represent our area in a Women of the World poetry slam.

I feel like her visit went by so fast, but we had some quality time together. We cooked for our birthday and spent time with friends and family. I love the memories we are making because I know that they are what I have to comfort me when she heads back out to the CRATER on the west coast.

Peace and Love.

Inspiration

Some days I am full of ideas. Unfortunately, those ideas come to me when I am in the shower, driving or am otherwise unable to document the idea.

I have great ideas in the shower. I'm really full of them when my mind is clearing and I am feeling all fresh. I can barely remember a sentence by the time my body is dry. It sucks big time. I really need to figure a way to capture these ideas.

More to come..........hopefully!

Sledge Hammer

I have been suffering from a bit of writer's block lately. There has been so much going on in my life that I can't settle on a single subject to write about.
I attended a poetry slam last week and performed at the open mic. It was supposed to be my first time, but I decided to have a dry solo performance on January 22nd. I was nervous and thought I might puke, but I didn't!
I am not sure where I developed such stage fright, but I need to break that mess down. So I am going to see what I can do to get over this baseless fear.

I want to perform at more open mic events, but I seem to have this pesky writer's block. I am going to work on getting my blog entries up to one a week and that will prove useful in the area of something to read. I might just pull something from previous posts to read. I am told that some of them are funny. Who knows it might be funnier if I read it out loud.

Since my new year has started and my birthday has passed, I am trying to be about my business of moving forward. I am moving away from bad relationships, finding new relationships, and trying to find a balance between those that love me and loving myself.

I need to work on my procrastinating too, but maybe later.

More to come.

Seven Days!

My twin sister will be here in roughly seven days. As a matter of fact at this time exactly seven days from now we will be in eachother's presence.

There is so much to do. I am determined not to lose my mind. Easy as that may be since I think I have already misplaced it.

I have invited friends over, planned a menu and plotted and schemed to get the kids out of the way. I am still up in the air about that, but we will see. I can't wait to hug her and see my nieces. I got the closest thing to a confirmation from my oldest niece that she will be coming down too. The house will be full and I'm going to love it, love it, love it.

A friend invited us to attend a poetry slam. I have been to a poetry reading before, but not a slam. I am looking forward to the experience. My sister, fearless leader that she is, wants to read something at the open mic. I am going to read it with her. Acknowledging that we each have our strengths, we both know that I am the writer and she is the speaker. It works well for us in a yen-yang sort of way. The thought of getting up in front of a room full of people I don't know and reading something I wrote gives me anxiety the likes of which I hardly ever experience. I can read something that someone else wrote, but not one of my "babies".

So! In the interest of facing my fears in 2010, I am going to do it with my sister by my side. That way she can catch me or at least slow my fall if I pass out. Ha! Truth be told I know that I am a well spoken woman. I can speak clearly and articulate my ideas well. There is just something frightening about the idea. However! Anything is possible with the right support! I have my family's support and plan to go for it.

I will do my best to write about the experience, though I have not been able to put any of what I have seen into words. I guess I should work on articulating the things I see!

More to come..