Dumb things I do to myself ....

I was a teen aged mother. One of my greatest fears is that one of my daughters will become a teen mother.

There are times when I am talking to a friend about parenting and some wild things occur to me. I realized that we are all new parents, if we have children, at one point. The amount of good advice we get can be a great help, but at one point or another we are looking at a crying, dirty baby and thinking, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?!"

I have learned that we are all working with the examples we had growing up. Whether it was a mother that cleaned house and a father that was the LAW, or parents that seemed to show their children in one way or another that they wish their children weren't in the picture.

I know a guy from elementary school who's father was not in the picture. He decided that his children were not going to have that example and is a loving father to his daughters and husband to his wife. He decided that the example he had wasn't the one he wanted to follow. Because of him, I am convinced that others can make the same decision.

That being said, I have made certain decisions about my children. Before I stand on my soapbox, I ask that you take my words as words. I pass no judgement on anyone but myself. Next to my mother, I am my harshest critic.

There are things I was not warned about. I feel that certain conversations, if I'd had them early enough in my life, would have changed things. I don't know if it would have been for the better. I know that my children are a blessing to me and my family, especially when I have had a hard day at work. There is nothing like a smile from one of them that makes the fight worth fighting.

My daughters are teenagers and I am not so old that I do not remember being a teenager myself. That is what worries me. I remember all the dumb things I thought about the world and had no idea what I wanted out of life. That conversation didn't come up. I really don't know if it would have changed anything. I just remember thinking, "I wish someone would have told me then." Though considering what an arrogant little shit I was, I probably would not have listened.

Anyway!....here are a few of the things I tell my daughters.

1. Boys want to have sex with you! They will spend a great deal of time and energy thinking about having sex with you and how they can convince you that doing it is a good idea. Your job is not to let them! I do not want to be a young grandmother. sex=babies in my mind and that is very true. Trust me, I know how to make babies.

2. You have to be the one to look out for your best interests. This is one I heard my brother say to my daughter about 6 years ago. It went right on the list. I realized that is such a true statement. I can have the best intentions, but individuals have to decide what is in their own best interests. I can want my children to be happy and successful, but they have to decide what happy and successful means to and for them.

3. It is important to be accountable for your actions or lack thereof. I feel like I am a carpenter trying to hammer this one home when it comes to my children. If you want something to change and you don't do something about it, then it won't change. PERIOD! If you say you want something and don't do anything to move toward getting it, you won't get it. If you have to turn in all of your homework in order to go to an after school event, and you don't do it, YOU WON'T GO. ...sigh, I'm getting heated. next...

4. Mommy loves you. I know that my mother loves me. Even though there were times that I am sure she wishes she didn't. I was such a shit when I was younger. I believe I said that earlier. I get the impression that others don't have that knowledge. I am confident that if my mother and I had a knock down drag out argument tomorrow, that she would still love me forever. PERIOD. I know that my children know that I love them, but I still worry that they are not confident in that knowledge, but they must be. They keep testing me. I have seen how hard it can be on a person that doesn't know that they are loved by their mother and I don't want that for my children. I am going to have to acknowledge that I my children know that I love them and make some changes. Someone I love very much seems tormented by their perceived disappointment of their mother. Their pain is my pain and they are going to have to make choices to let that go and move toward what is in their own best interest.

There are a lot more, I may add some later.

The affects of radiation on Man in the Moon Marigolds

Life is crazy. Life is great! My life is greatly crazy.


In June, while my sister and brother-in-law were visiting and doing some much needed work on my P.O.S. car, I slipped and fell at a gas station while taking the little street luge for a test drive. The following 3 months were a blur of pain, drugs, doctor's visits and physical therapy. I am back at work now and trying to get things back on track. It is crazy that in my last posting I said that I could just get in bed and stay there for a month. It turned out to be three months! Careful what you wish for.

It is amazing how pain is an appetite suppressant! I woke up in pain for months and eating was the last thing on my mind. My home is set up so there is nothing that is particularly quick, I ate a lot of fruit and fresh vegetables. I was still managing to eat, but the amount was much less and the quality was much higher. I lost weight. The physical therapy that I started doing helped a lot. I have even committed myself to doing it at home once the therapist released me to go it alone. So far so good.



Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but not always.

Take that heading with a grain of salt. My dark clouds have silver linings, always. It is only a matter of time before the lining catches the sun and gleams like no body's business! I know this in the very core of my being. I was talking to my mother the other day and I realized that this truth of my life is not so for everyone. I think that is amazing, but see examples of this all the time. People can get so mired in negativity that they don't see the amazing things that happen all around them.



Personal Example:

In November of 2000, I had a bad experience that, at the time, really sucked! Now, 9 years later, I praise the Lord every time I think about it. I was shocked, hurt, betrayed and financially broken. I cried and pulled myself together. I told my friends and coworkers what happened and was blessed beyond my expectations. That devastation and the way I reacted to it, with hope and resiliency, opened the door for some great things.

Something good has come from the bad things that has happened to me. I have friends and family that can't say the same. I can only think that it is because of how they handle adversity. I know that when things get crazy for me, if I stop and appreciate the blessings in my life, I can handle anything. I worked with a woman about five years ago who used to tease me about my positive attitude. I could look at about anything from more than one perspective. There is something good that can be said when things look bad. Granted, there are times when "Dude, that sucks." is the only thing that can be said, but it is an identification with the issue.

Something I learned in 3 months of being horizontal.....

I want to be at home! All the pain aside, I enjoyed seeing my children day after day. They and their godfather made a horrible time much more bearable. I enjoy cooking and have decided to start taking baby steps to work my way toward a little luncheonette.

Step one: The Pink Box of Happiness. My home baking business that will become a catering business with the same name.

Step two: Make connections and get my product in people's hands and stomachs.

Step three: Don't give up.

I hope to have a home style pub and luncheonette. Where you can get good comfort food and a beer if you want one.

Pray for me. That a blessing will come from this too.

More to come.

Cooking my way to happiness...

They say you shouldn't trust a skinny cook. If that's true, I must be the most trustworthy cook alive!

Between work, family, my children, my health and other various concerns I am practially a zombie after all the bills are paid. One of the many things that bring me happiness is cooking. It is my form of artistic expression.


I have always appreciated other people's ability to express themselves artistically. I can talk, but not sing, dance or play an instrument in a way that will elicit anything but a fervent request to stop lest someones life be extinguished by their overzealous attempts to plug their ears with anything within reach. My daughters both play an instrument and play for me sometimes. I have managed to attend more than one of their orchestra concerts this school year. I am very pleased by that fact because I normally make it to about 2 a year. I have managed to attend five or six this year. My oldest daughter plays the viola. I love to see the peaceful look on her face when she is playing. That look is that same way I feel when I cook.

If I feel particularly sad, I will want to cook something. There is something very satisfying about selecting ingredients, cutting, sauteing, mixing and sprinkling until something wonderful happens. I am a mad scientist in the kitchen. I will experiment with different spices, food preparation techniques or ingredients. If you look at what I've cooked in the last 4 days, you might think I was suicidal! Friday I made a pound cake, coconut macaroons and salmon/tuna cheese buns (I'm still working on a better name for that), a Coley experiment that turned out very well. One might think that after all of that baking I would be tired. I didn't sleep at all that night. I was so tired the next day that I slept most of it. Sunday I decided I wanted to make something, but I didn't know what. I told my daughter to make a suggestion. She suggested cobbler. I thought, "Great! I have never made one of those. First time for everything." The Internet is a wonderful place full of information about things other than porn and I found a recipe that was remarkably easy. I also had all of the ingredients on hand so cherry cobbler was born! It was pretty tasty. I will have to make that one again.

Monday?! I should have been swimming and getting a tan. The pool isn't open yet and it is overcast. No dice. Man I feel blue. I'm tired and overwhelmed with all I have to do between doing better at work, keeping order at home and managing my weight and health, I feel like I just want to get into bed and stay there for a month. So I made a pound cake, 2 loaves of Italian bread, 1 loaf of white bread and more tuna/salmon/cheese thingies. They all turned out wonderfully and the bread will last til next weekend. There are times I feel a sense of pressure because of all I have to do and all I am responsible for.

My health has been taking a back burner to other things and it's gotten to a point that it has to be addressed or I may be out of commission while things are brought into order. Still I want to cook. Money is tight so I keep trying to find new and different ways to turn spices and rice into something different. It is a challenge that I take head on and enjoy because it gives my inner "mad scientist" a chance to shine!

More to come!

Weight Update and Underware rant.....

I bought a scale. I didn't want to but the place that was was weighing on a regular basis fell off the face of the planet and the scale at work is messed up so I had to take matters in to my own wallet.

I had to go to the store to pick up a filter for the AC unit at the apartment and came across a scale for a decent price. I have been under 400 lbs for quite some time and don't plan to go back over, so my "traffic cop" was purchased. I said that I didn't want to weigh myself everyday, but I have. It is interesting how you can put the plate down when you know that you are going to have to stare down at the indeglow screen telling you that you've gained weight. Damn, I shouldn't have had that second, third helping. I am now celebrating 75 lbs down in the past year or so.

As my weight comes down and I have more lose skin, I realize the importance of support garments. Support? It's more like infrastructure. As I truss and strap myself up in the morning, I have a deeper appreciation for those garments. I also realize that my mother didn't teach me enough about underwear. I didn't know what bra size I wore until I was an adult. Sad.

When I called my mother to tell her that I'd lost weight, she sent me a girdle. I thought it was a strange gift. I have since purchased a few more. I have noticed that my waist is starting to appear. It's pretty cool. I wonder if there will be a day that I will be able to get up and not have to put on my spandex to keep things from moving when I stop moving. The more I think about it, the more I realize that as gravity takes it's toll on my body, the more I will need. True.

I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. Looking back on pictures from my youth, I wasn't fat. I was big, but not fat and being active would have worked that all out. Well, I wasn't active. I gained weight when I was 17 and pretty much kept gaining.

I tend to think of many things when it comes to my sisters and me like competition. Weight has never really been one of those things. Now my older sister has upped the ante. She had gastric bypass surgery a few weeks ago. Now I have to drop weight so I can get all of her "fat" clothes when she can't wear them anymore. Should this really be a motivation? HELL YEAH! She is a very sharp dresser! She has some really cute clothes. I would love to have them. Since I'm her sister, I get first dibs! I can think of at least 10 pieces of her clothes that I can't wait to get my hands on. Greed is a mighty motivator. Sad but true.

More to come!

Weight Update, Sippin' in Support

I'm down under 380! I'm excited because it is headed in the right direction. My sister was in the hospital for a few days and I told her that I was going to go on a liquid diet for a week as a way of showing my support for her.

I was amazed that I made it as long as I did. I personally thought that I would not make it to Thursday. I started my fast on Monday and it ended very early Sunday morning as I was not going to deprive myself of my mother's day breakfast in bed.

My friends were very supportive of the endeavour. One friend offered to make me lunch my first day back at work after finishing my fast. Anything I wanted. I asked for corned beef and cabbage. This particular friend is a good cook and we call ourselves "food friends" so when she offers food, I accept. It is never a bad idea. She came through in spades! She even sent me the food via a mutual friend because she was not at work Monday. She sent so much food! It took me all day to put a dent in it and I couldn't finish it all. It was delicious, simple and I smiled the whole day long. I couldn't even finish it all.

The time turned out to be a good detox period and now I am on track to see the numbers on the scale go down even more.

More to come!