My mother is coming for a visit.
If you still have your mother, you may feel something from the words above. My feelings? Anxiety mostly, but excitement. I love my mother very much. I think that my relationship with her is better than any of my 5 other siblings. That relationship comes with a cost. A price I am willing to pay. That price? My home is a preferred destination. My mother knows my children better than any of my sibling's children. Even though I don't call my mother as much as some of my siblings, my children call my mother. I think that is so sweet.
It occurs to me that my children might be "telling" on me to my mother, but she doesn't fuss at me after talking to them, so they get to continue to live under my roof. I'm not sure what they talk about, but I am pretty certain they are not talking about what punishment they are on now. Then they might have to tell "Mommy" what they got in trouble for and they want to keep the rose coloured glasses on my mother's eyes.
My mother has historically come to visit for 4 weeks at a time. This trip will be a shorter one. Two weeks. I wanted to feel bad about cutting her visit short, but I thought back to her last two visits and she has wanted to go home in 2 weeks and I have felt like I am keeping her at my house against her will. I've decided that I'm not even going to fight it. Two weeks and she is free to go.
My mother told me that she doesn't want to go where she is not wanted. She knows that I want her to come for a visit. I have to practically hound her to get her to come. I feel like I have to put on a Vaudeville Show. I just don't have it in me to keep flipping, dancing and doing jazz hands until she agrees to stay.
I realized that I am so much like my mother, it is scary to acknowledge that I will one day be just like her. God willing, I will be more cheerful. I think I have a pleasant disposition.
Like her, I don't like being told what to do, even if it is for my own good. I like to be shown the reason in a course of action and to decide that I agree with it for whatever reason I might have, normally as long as it is not "for your own good." Even though that is the best reason to do anything at all. Right? Shouldn't we all be looking out for our own good? People often don't do what is for their own good and end up having to deal with the Universe's course corrections, putting them back on the path to what is for their own good. Life is funny that way.
So I will soon hit the road to pack her into my SUV and bring her to my home for a couple of weeks. I will read her my blog and perform my poetry for her. She will tell me that I am being too sassy or something along those lines. She will poke at me and I will needle her. I will show her how we make all of our bread now, something that has happened since her last visit. I will boil the bejesus out of some vegetables so they are soft enough for her to eat without hurting her gums.
My current work schedule makes it hard for me to be able to really enjoy my mom because, when she is awake...half the night, I am at work. When I am asleep during the day, she is awake and wondering why I am not up to entertain her or take her to do something. I have a better plan this time. I am going to let her grandson wake her up early in the morning to talk and play blocks, his favorite. I am going to make her breakfast before I lay down to rest. I really like when we get a chance to sit and chat with each other.
My mother is such a smart and clever woman.
So I'm sharpening my wit, toughening my skin and singing a happy tune as I drive down the highway. Soon my hall will be filled with the sound of judgementalism! (I know that is not a word, but you know what I mean!) I will be slightly sleep deprived and my children will get to spend time with their Grandmother.
I wonder what stories she will tell me about the past. I promise to share the good ones.
More to come...Thanks for reading.
About Me
Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Saturday, November 14, 2009
My mother....
I am one of six children.
My mother is 73. She is hardheaded, proud and the example I have for motherhood. I love her dearly. I want her to be happy.
She is visiting me right now, continuing what has become her regular month long visit to my house. These are interesting times.
In the past six years, since my father passed away, my mother has been through a lot, both physically and mentally. It was a real possibility that we might lose both of my parents six years ago. They were both in the hospital at the same time. My mother came home and my father died three days later. I think that he just wanted to feel like she was ok before he went home to Jesus. The thought of it still brings tears to my eyes. She has lost a brother, had a brain tumor removed, a hip replaced and bypass surgery. She was in a nursing home and wanted to go home so she did. It didn't matter to her that she would need help, she wanted to go home so that is where she went. That is the thing about having a head like a mule, you sure can "kick" like one. She has a strong will and a stronger spirit, so she went where she wanted to go.
She lives two hours away from me, and one hour from the nearest child of hers. Since my back injury earlier this year, that drive is more taxing that I'd like to admit. I endure it because my desire to see her is stronger than my fear of the pain that I will certainly be in after spending four hours behind the wheel or in the passenger seat. My road warrior hat is made of wet paper at this point and it doesn't seem to be drying right now. I have made the drive once and someone drove me once since I've been back to work. It hurt and it took me the next day to recover.
These facts plus my desire to spend time with her lead me to ask her to just move in with me. I have a job I enjoy and my older sister is in the city I live in, so together we could work it out. She has refused. Even though she has a deep affection for my children, partly because I was living at home when I had my daughters and she knows them better than any of her other grandchildren. I know she loves the fact that my sons know her and enjoy spending time with her.
She thinks my children are well behaved, even though I am sure it would surprise her the lengths I have to go to to make sure they continue to appear well behaved. I think of it as the "Jello" concept, it is really great, but once you know how it happens, you may be slightly traumatized.
I used to get so stressed out trying to figure my mother out. I had to quit. She is who she is and I love her so my decisions related to her come from that fact. Since I have adopted this "surrendering" method, I have learned a lot from simple observation.
1. She cares what you think, but not enough to change what she says. After all that she has been through, she has earned the right to say just about anything. If she was the type to cuss, I would really be worried. If she starts cussing, I know that there is a real problem.
2. She wants attention. Who doesn't? I can completely understand her in this because she went from a house full to just her. I don't care how long it took to happen, it happened. I am years away from being by myself in my home and I know that it will happen one day if I live long enough and I am trying to plan for it now. Sometimes plans don't work out....
3. She likes to be in the loop but feels no obligation whatsoever to return the favor to her children. This is crazy to me, but she is who she is and I am glad that she will talk to me about how she really feels and what she really thinks. Sometimes.
4. She hates being put on the spot. Many of the best conversations I have ever had with my mother where when it was just me and her. The trouble with this is that I have no witnesses to what a funny, feeling and sensitive person she is! I feel like I have this grand secret with no proof at all. If she feels put on the spot, she will make some kind of snarky remark and that lets me know she doesn't want the other person to know what I am talking about. We even have our own code or I have learned from experience what certain things she may say mean. I really wish I could share some examples of this, but she would kill me if I gave that away. Talk about being put on the spot! We are talking Top Secret codes here!
5. She and I have a wonderful relationship. I think because I ask for her advice. I want to know what she thinks even when I don't base my decisions on what she thinks is best. She loves me anyway. I will call her when she is home and talk about whatever. She knows when things suck and when they are great. I try not to worry her, but she worries anyway. It is what she does. She tries not to make us worry, but we worry anyway. Family does that. I hope that my mother was able to improve in the model of mother-daughter relationships from her relationship with her mother. I also think that ones resolve in maintaining a level of strictness weakens with time. She has started to let her guard down some so I see her in a way that my siblings don't.
6. If I am not careful, my mother can still push my buttons. I am very pleased that a great majority of the time my mother can not get me upset. She would if I let her, but it doesn't happen very often. That is due in no small part to the fact that I don't have to be the one to tell her she can't do something. My current job has taught me to say "no" without actually saying the word. The thing with my mother is that she knows when she is being told no and I am not so smooth to be able to get that past her without some resistance. I have tried to be neutral in a lot of things related to her, but I know that time is coming to an end.
My mother realizes that the time has come for the rolls to be reversed. The thought of that frightens the hell out of her. I think she is starting to wonder if there were things she did in our childhood that we could now hold against her! I know me and I know the kind of person that I am. I am a loving, considerate, caring and hardworking person.
It is hard to help someone deal with the reality that things won't be the way they once were. All I can do is try to be understanding and not let her get to me. Being positive goes a long way toward living a happy life.
Think positive and be positive.
More to come....
My mother is 73. She is hardheaded, proud and the example I have for motherhood. I love her dearly. I want her to be happy.
She is visiting me right now, continuing what has become her regular month long visit to my house. These are interesting times.
In the past six years, since my father passed away, my mother has been through a lot, both physically and mentally. It was a real possibility that we might lose both of my parents six years ago. They were both in the hospital at the same time. My mother came home and my father died three days later. I think that he just wanted to feel like she was ok before he went home to Jesus. The thought of it still brings tears to my eyes. She has lost a brother, had a brain tumor removed, a hip replaced and bypass surgery. She was in a nursing home and wanted to go home so she did. It didn't matter to her that she would need help, she wanted to go home so that is where she went. That is the thing about having a head like a mule, you sure can "kick" like one. She has a strong will and a stronger spirit, so she went where she wanted to go.
She lives two hours away from me, and one hour from the nearest child of hers. Since my back injury earlier this year, that drive is more taxing that I'd like to admit. I endure it because my desire to see her is stronger than my fear of the pain that I will certainly be in after spending four hours behind the wheel or in the passenger seat. My road warrior hat is made of wet paper at this point and it doesn't seem to be drying right now. I have made the drive once and someone drove me once since I've been back to work. It hurt and it took me the next day to recover.
These facts plus my desire to spend time with her lead me to ask her to just move in with me. I have a job I enjoy and my older sister is in the city I live in, so together we could work it out. She has refused. Even though she has a deep affection for my children, partly because I was living at home when I had my daughters and she knows them better than any of her other grandchildren. I know she loves the fact that my sons know her and enjoy spending time with her.
She thinks my children are well behaved, even though I am sure it would surprise her the lengths I have to go to to make sure they continue to appear well behaved. I think of it as the "Jello" concept, it is really great, but once you know how it happens, you may be slightly traumatized.
I used to get so stressed out trying to figure my mother out. I had to quit. She is who she is and I love her so my decisions related to her come from that fact. Since I have adopted this "surrendering" method, I have learned a lot from simple observation.
1. She cares what you think, but not enough to change what she says. After all that she has been through, she has earned the right to say just about anything. If she was the type to cuss, I would really be worried. If she starts cussing, I know that there is a real problem.
2. She wants attention. Who doesn't? I can completely understand her in this because she went from a house full to just her. I don't care how long it took to happen, it happened. I am years away from being by myself in my home and I know that it will happen one day if I live long enough and I am trying to plan for it now. Sometimes plans don't work out....
3. She likes to be in the loop but feels no obligation whatsoever to return the favor to her children. This is crazy to me, but she is who she is and I am glad that she will talk to me about how she really feels and what she really thinks. Sometimes.
4. She hates being put on the spot. Many of the best conversations I have ever had with my mother where when it was just me and her. The trouble with this is that I have no witnesses to what a funny, feeling and sensitive person she is! I feel like I have this grand secret with no proof at all. If she feels put on the spot, she will make some kind of snarky remark and that lets me know she doesn't want the other person to know what I am talking about. We even have our own code or I have learned from experience what certain things she may say mean. I really wish I could share some examples of this, but she would kill me if I gave that away. Talk about being put on the spot! We are talking Top Secret codes here!
5. She and I have a wonderful relationship. I think because I ask for her advice. I want to know what she thinks even when I don't base my decisions on what she thinks is best. She loves me anyway. I will call her when she is home and talk about whatever. She knows when things suck and when they are great. I try not to worry her, but she worries anyway. It is what she does. She tries not to make us worry, but we worry anyway. Family does that. I hope that my mother was able to improve in the model of mother-daughter relationships from her relationship with her mother. I also think that ones resolve in maintaining a level of strictness weakens with time. She has started to let her guard down some so I see her in a way that my siblings don't.
6. If I am not careful, my mother can still push my buttons. I am very pleased that a great majority of the time my mother can not get me upset. She would if I let her, but it doesn't happen very often. That is due in no small part to the fact that I don't have to be the one to tell her she can't do something. My current job has taught me to say "no" without actually saying the word. The thing with my mother is that she knows when she is being told no and I am not so smooth to be able to get that past her without some resistance. I have tried to be neutral in a lot of things related to her, but I know that time is coming to an end.
My mother realizes that the time has come for the rolls to be reversed. The thought of that frightens the hell out of her. I think she is starting to wonder if there were things she did in our childhood that we could now hold against her! I know me and I know the kind of person that I am. I am a loving, considerate, caring and hardworking person.
It is hard to help someone deal with the reality that things won't be the way they once were. All I can do is try to be understanding and not let her get to me. Being positive goes a long way toward living a happy life.
Think positive and be positive.
More to come....
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