New Year Reflections

I just realized that I have been doing this blog for a little over a year. My first entry was October 11th, 2008.



Now that 2009 has come and gone, I look back over my musings and am thankful for the opportunity to share my thoughts with you.



I am currently looking forward to and extremely excited about my sister's visit in January. Christmas was a blur, another day to tick off the calendar toward the day she arrives from across the country.



My year has been full of blessings and other, more difficult, types of blessings. Challenges and other types of growing opportunities.

Thank you for your support.

Infatuation

Inspired by a new friend who is an amazing poet and writer, I scribbled out this "teen-aged" poem. This is my tooth pick sized stab at the Dragon of spoken word that I have recently experienced. Conjured up while sitting one night after a late ride listening to my friend's moving words. I just had to give it a try. When I wrote this, I imagined that she was speaking the words. She is such an entertainer when she is on the stage and all eyes are on her. There is a light from within her that shines and is magnified by her voice. I'm a fan.

Enjoy. Maybe one day I will have the nerve to stand behind a microphone and speak aloud the words of my heart.

I'm sitting here trying to figure out how I can be a part of your life.
How can I be the one you call when you have strife. The one to comfort you when you've had a shitty day, if for no other reason than to tell you that it will be okay.
Even when things are so fucked up, you want to give up...I want to be the one to make you smile.
Can we just sit here for a while? I think you're so amazing.

I listen to your voice and imagine you are talking to me. Your voice says things that the words don't speak. It is like a message in there just for me. Or am I kidding myself?
I don't know what to do. I know I want to see you. I want to get to know more about this amazing person I have encountered.
There is something so real about you and guarded. Open and still a mystery.
The mad scientist in me wants to know "who, what, where, when, why and how". She wants to know what makes you tick.
The Coley in me just wants to know you. To tick to your tock. She wants to share time with you and hear your stories. She wants to tell you a few stories of her own. To share with you friendship and love.
"Love" is not a four letter word to me but a basis of my character. The warmth and that extra squeeze in my hug.
I just want to hold hands and walk. See the world around us unfold and fill with color as we travel this path for a while. I don't know what the future holds. I think it would be great if you were in mine and I in yours.

I'm just sayin'.....this is what I wrote when I thought about you.

Spoken Word

I recently attended a poetry reading for the first time. It was amazing!

I am sad to report that my preconceptions about the whole spoken word experience have been negatively affected by too much television. The event I attended was an intimate affair put on my Dare2BDifferent productions, I think that is how it is spelled.

I am having a hard time putting the experience into words. It doesn't really make sense to me. "WOW!" is the first thing to comes to mind.
I am hoping to attend more events. I was so entertained! I admire people that can express themselves in an artistic way. I can talk, but for some reason the concept of doing spoken word makes me so nervous. I am fighting the urge to run away from my computer right now.

It is so wonderful to listen to the words and stories of other people, creatively delivered while enjoying a nice glass of wine. I feel like an adult!

There was even a young girl there. She was getting up in front of a room of strangers for the first time! I had to tell her that she was impressing the hell out of me. I can babble in front of a crowd, but to read aloud, to strangers, the thoughts in my head is frightening. I realize, intellectually that there isn't much difference. "You go girl!" I thought as I saw this young, skinny and decidedly nervous child go to the microphone. She clutched a piece of paper in her hand with her thoughts written on it. She took a breath. Her soft voice escaped her mouth. She read her poem and thoughts of young love filled my mind like colors of a painting being created in my mind's eye, fleshed out in the words. I recalled feelings of being young and loving. I liked the poem, but not the feelings. Art can be like that.

There were other artists that shared their words. Crafted and sharp, lyrical and stunning. I even thought, "How did they know about me?" It couldn't be. Sometimes I don't realize that other people feel the same way about life, love, work and relationships as I do. I felt strangely connected to these people, strangers really, and disconnected from the many things that distract and worry me.
Yes. I think I would like to do that again. As a matter of fact, my sister's birthday is coming up and we are going to another poetry event.

I look forward to sharing more.

Thanksgiving! Food, Food and Family

I love to cook. Anyone that knows me knows this simple truth of my life.

Thanksgiving is a big food holiday, I really look forward to it. My daughters were talking to me a few months ago about how excited they were about cooking with me for Thanksgiving. We cook together all the time but they were looking forward to this day. I think that was funny. They really like the dressing. I could make pans and pans full of the stuff and they would not let a bit of it go to waste. I get leery about making too much, because of storage issues. I am also concerned about excessive overeating.

I have issues with food that I have turned into a passion for cooking. The eating I leave to someone else. I want to know that the food tastes good, but the real enjoyment of the food, for me, is in its preparation. My zen moment is achieved when I am chopping, measuring, scooping and pouring.

During the holidays, more than any other time of year, I tend to take notice and stock of the way I am eating. There are occasions to prepare food that reminds me of a certain family event or memory I have of my childhood. I find that I could sit and eat myself into a stupor. Just munch and munch until I become numb from all the food and drunk from the memories, good and bad.

I can feel the anticipation build as I mull over the menu selections for the day. Making sure there are vegetables and we have prepared enough meat. This year, I was torn over whether or not to make a cake for Thanksgiving dinner. We ended up making four sweet potato pies and two pumpkin cheese cakes. They weren't super deep or tall, but they were tasty!

My oldest sister makes great mac and cheese. My children and I all look forward to eating it, because we don't indulge in cheese like that often, but when we do it is hers! I look forward to having my taste and letting the children take the rest like locusts. I don't bother to try to duplicate it, probably because it is something that I know she likes to make and I wouldn't want her to make me make it from now on if she thought that my version was better. Purely lazy! I think I am a great cook, but not so much that I can't recognize when someone else is better. My sisters are wonderful cooks too.

So, just because I need to share, here is the menu on our thanksgiving:

Turkey Whole Roasted

Extra Large Turkey Breast baked

Honey Ham - "Of Death"

Squash, Zucchini and Onion medley

Turkey Sausage Dressing

Sweet Potato Pie

Pumpkin Cheese Cake

Homemade Yeast rolls

Gotta love it!
More to come...

"OMG! I want a web cam!", some reasons why I won't be getting one. Thoughts on my Twin.

First off, I owe people money. I don't want to buy anything extra until I pay back the money I owe folks. If I tell you I'm broke, you know I mean it. I won't be showing off anything new til the debt is paid. Besides, I owe money to the people that I would talk to about getting a web cam. Yeah, the terms of repayment have never been outlined, but I'm not trying to push it. If I borrow it and say I'm going to pay it back, then I will, EVENTUALLY!

My computer time is my unwind time. I look crazy and like that I look crazy when I am on the computer at home. Those little times of crazy keep me sane. "Spoon!"
I don't want to have to get "cuted" up for a camera.

Lastly, I am way too competitive with my twin. It is a healthy competition and one in which we are the biggest fan of the other. Let me explain.

I should probably make a list:


1. I tried her cookie press when I went for a visit. I came home and got one for myself. Mine isn't as cool as hers, but she's had more practice and I don't have that kind of patience.

2. We used her stand mixer, which is a wonderful tool for the home baker. Got mine last month, but she and my other sister chipped in to get it for me. Proof that she is one of my greatest supports because she knows it will come in handy and it really has.

3. My sister is across the country where my brother-in-law took her! Military and he was as mad about it or madder than she was. Anyway, she sent me a link to her vlog introduction. I thought it was GREAT! It was so nice to see her talking and a slide show of pictures. I wanted to do it too! Not because I thought I could do it better, but if she could do a great job, my mind tells me that I could do a great job too. That is all well and good, but I have seen video of myself and even though we are twins, the camera likes her much better than me!

My family is very important to me. They make me strong in all the ways I think I am weak. I have seen my sisters grow and change and in witnessing their changes, become a better person for knowing them. I hope to get to know my brothers better. I think I will take the steps I used when I decided I wanted to know my older sister better. Blog fodder! One of the best things about being a mad scientist is having experiments! Social experiments are my favorite.

More to come...

Thoughts on attraction....a little ramble

I have personal tastes. I realize that what I think is attractive may not be considered as such to someone else. That's cool with me.

There are times when we see someone that we find esthetically pleasing only to have an interaction with that person and find we should have stayed across the room. I remember having a crush on someone because I saw them at the club from time to time. I ended up working for the same company that they worked for. I had a chance to chat with them one day in the break room. They turned out to be a nice person, but inarticulate. It shattered my whole fantasy.

I interact with people all the time. Some I am attracted to and others I'm not. I have found myself talking to someone that I am not attracted to and thinking about the many reasons and ways that I am not attracted to them. Especially if they are talking about something that I couldn't care less about.

I can be such a shit in that way.

I can be very simple to please though. Wrinkle free, combed or shaved neatly and a nice smell are pluses.

I have been reading another blog lately: http://www.untiligetmarried.com/

It has become my guilty pleasure as well as my little cheat on a male perspective. He makes lists sometimes, I may give that a shot.

More to come.

My mother....

I am one of six children.

My mother is 73. She is hardheaded, proud and the example I have for motherhood. I love her dearly. I want her to be happy.

She is visiting me right now, continuing what has become her regular month long visit to my house. These are interesting times.

In the past six years, since my father passed away, my mother has been through a lot, both physically and mentally. It was a real possibility that we might lose both of my parents six years ago. They were both in the hospital at the same time. My mother came home and my father died three days later. I think that he just wanted to feel like she was ok before he went home to Jesus. The thought of it still brings tears to my eyes. She has lost a brother, had a brain tumor removed, a hip replaced and bypass surgery. She was in a nursing home and wanted to go home so she did. It didn't matter to her that she would need help, she wanted to go home so that is where she went. That is the thing about having a head like a mule, you sure can "kick" like one. She has a strong will and a stronger spirit, so she went where she wanted to go.


She lives two hours away from me, and one hour from the nearest child of hers. Since my back injury earlier this year, that drive is more taxing that I'd like to admit. I endure it because my desire to see her is stronger than my fear of the pain that I will certainly be in after spending four hours behind the wheel or in the passenger seat. My road warrior hat is made of wet paper at this point and it doesn't seem to be drying right now. I have made the drive once and someone drove me once since I've been back to work. It hurt and it took me the next day to recover.


These facts plus my desire to spend time with her lead me to ask her to just move in with me. I have a job I enjoy and my older sister is in the city I live in, so together we could work it out. She has refused. Even though she has a deep affection for my children, partly because I was living at home when I had my daughters and she knows them better than any of her other grandchildren. I know she loves the fact that my sons know her and enjoy spending time with her.


She thinks my children are well behaved, even though I am sure it would surprise her the lengths I have to go to to make sure they continue to appear well behaved. I think of it as the "Jello" concept, it is really great, but once you know how it happens, you may be slightly traumatized.

I used to get so stressed out trying to figure my mother out. I had to quit. She is who she is and I love her so my decisions related to her come from that fact. Since I have adopted this "surrendering" method, I have learned a lot from simple observation.

1. She cares what you think, but not enough to change what she says. After all that she has been through, she has earned the right to say just about anything. If she was the type to cuss, I would really be worried. If she starts cussing, I know that there is a real problem.

2. She wants attention. Who doesn't? I can completely understand her in this because she went from a house full to just her. I don't care how long it took to happen, it happened. I am years away from being by myself in my home and I know that it will happen one day if I live long enough and I am trying to plan for it now. Sometimes plans don't work out....


3. She likes to be in the loop but feels no obligation whatsoever to return the favor to her children. This is crazy to me, but she is who she is and I am glad that she will talk to me about how she really feels and what she really thinks. Sometimes.


4. She hates being put on the spot. Many of the best conversations I have ever had with my mother where when it was just me and her. The trouble with this is that I have no witnesses to what a funny, feeling and sensitive person she is! I feel like I have this grand secret with no proof at all. If she feels put on the spot, she will make some kind of snarky remark and that lets me know she doesn't want the other person to know what I am talking about. We even have our own code or I have learned from experience what certain things she may say mean. I really wish I could share some examples of this, but she would kill me if I gave that away. Talk about being put on the spot! We are talking Top Secret codes here!


5. She and I have a wonderful relationship. I think because I ask for her advice. I want to know what she thinks even when I don't base my decisions on what she thinks is best. She loves me anyway. I will call her when she is home and talk about whatever. She knows when things suck and when they are great. I try not to worry her, but she worries anyway. It is what she does. She tries not to make us worry, but we worry anyway. Family does that. I hope that my mother was able to improve in the model of mother-daughter relationships from her relationship with her mother. I also think that ones resolve in maintaining a level of strictness weakens with time. She has started to let her guard down some so I see her in a way that my siblings don't.

6. If I am not careful, my mother can still push my buttons. I am very pleased that a great majority of the time my mother can not get me upset. She would if I let her, but it doesn't happen very often. That is due in no small part to the fact that I don't have to be the one to tell her she can't do something. My current job has taught me to say "no" without actually saying the word. The thing with my mother is that she knows when she is being told no and I am not so smooth to be able to get that past her without some resistance. I have tried to be neutral in a lot of things related to her, but I know that time is coming to an end.

My mother realizes that the time has come for the rolls to be reversed. The thought of that frightens the hell out of her. I think she is starting to wonder if there were things she did in our childhood that we could now hold against her! I know me and I know the kind of person that I am. I am a loving, considerate, caring and hardworking person.

It is hard to help someone deal with the reality that things won't be the way they once were. All I can do is try to be understanding and not let her get to me. Being positive goes a long way toward living a happy life.

Think positive and be positive.

More to come....

Grown ups, their toys and other thoughts on family...

My sister was blessed with a kidney transplant last month! Yeah! I am so happy for her and insisted that she stay with me at my apartment for the 4 weeks that she cannot drive. She is a superwoman and would probably make herself sick trying to do all that she thinks needs to be done.

Even though she shouldn't drive, her car is parked outside. She has appointments that she needs to go to and decided that it would be best to drive her car the hour or so since it it better on gas than my Gray Dragon (SUV for those that don't know what I drive).

I thought that driving was pretty straight forward. You get in, put the key in the ignition, turn it on and drive. Simple, right? Not in my sister's Cadillac. Beside the fact that it is worth more than my two cars put together, it is a friggin' air plane! The amount of light that the dash board puts out when you turn it on has me looking like I have just come back from a Caribbean vacation.
A flight plan filed and a system check needs to be performed before you can do anything. It has seat warmers, that are pretty cool, that make sure the leather seats are not too cold when you go for a ride.

I have a funny story about an old lady and a seat warmer that is for another day! A scream! Anyway.

The key apparently is programmed with settings for the driver. It has an alarm that goes off if you are getting too close to something behind you. The radio will keep playing when you turn the car off and blue tooth! She didn't even know about the blue tooth until last week. I am sure that there are more wonders in that thing yet to be discovered, but that is just the short list.

Give me the key and tell me where you want to go and I'm good.

My mother is also in town for her annual visit. We are coming to the end of her second week. I have to say that I am enjoying having her and my sister here. I don't have to go anywhere to see them. I get to spend time with them before I got to sleep and cook for them when I am not too tired.

Last week was insane and I was sure I was going to have a nervous breakdown, but I made it through thanks in no small part to sick time from work and the ability to drop hours! I initially thought, "What's 3 more people? The more the merrier!" It was a challenge getting everything together so we could function as a household. Now I'm thinking that I don't know what I will do when it is just the folks that normally live here again! I'm loving every minute of it.

This week is going better. I feel like we are getting into a groove and as soon as I am all used to them being here they are going to go home and I will have to put my road warrior hat back on. My sister will still be in town, but I am sure she misses sleeping in her own bed at night. I know I do even though my bed is a cheap piece of crap, it is home and I am a home body.

My mother and sister have a strange relationship that confuses and entertains me at the same time. Though I am sure they don't fully realize just how hilarious they sound when they start clucking at each other like some deranged hens.

I have been trying to convince my mother to move in with me and my family, but she says that she doesn't do much more at my house than she does at home, but she takes for granted the fact that my children are really loving having her around. My toddlers can't wait to wake her up in the morning and love on her. My teenagers love spending time with their grandmother too. Not to mention, My house, my rules.

My mother likes to have fish on Fridays and it is on sale so I am off to pick up some in the morning! My twin sister tells me that my mother has really enjoys the food that we have been preparing for her since she has been here, but she finds some fault in it. I don't even let her comments bother me. I know that it is her way of trying to be "sassy". We talk a lot of trash. She says something and I say something sassy back. It works for us. She can be a handful and hardheaded, but all in all I enjoy her company.

The weather sucks right now. It has been raining for the past 2 days and cool to boot. My mother wants to go get a mani-pedi. I know for a fact that she will complain for an hour about how cold she is. She wants to get out and do something so I am going to take her to do it. It will give me a chance to have a captive audience at the nail salon to try some of my material one. I love a good clean joke.

When my twin sister was here, we used to go get our eyebrows done and tell jokes to the women getting pedicures. Some of them still remember us over a year later! That's making a good impression. I should probably bake up some goodies and grab a stack of business cards so I can do some networking.

Until next time! Love your family. I know I do.

Dumb things I do to myself ....

I was a teen aged mother. One of my greatest fears is that one of my daughters will become a teen mother.

There are times when I am talking to a friend about parenting and some wild things occur to me. I realized that we are all new parents, if we have children, at one point. The amount of good advice we get can be a great help, but at one point or another we are looking at a crying, dirty baby and thinking, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?!"

I have learned that we are all working with the examples we had growing up. Whether it was a mother that cleaned house and a father that was the LAW, or parents that seemed to show their children in one way or another that they wish their children weren't in the picture.

I know a guy from elementary school who's father was not in the picture. He decided that his children were not going to have that example and is a loving father to his daughters and husband to his wife. He decided that the example he had wasn't the one he wanted to follow. Because of him, I am convinced that others can make the same decision.

That being said, I have made certain decisions about my children. Before I stand on my soapbox, I ask that you take my words as words. I pass no judgement on anyone but myself. Next to my mother, I am my harshest critic.

There are things I was not warned about. I feel that certain conversations, if I'd had them early enough in my life, would have changed things. I don't know if it would have been for the better. I know that my children are a blessing to me and my family, especially when I have had a hard day at work. There is nothing like a smile from one of them that makes the fight worth fighting.

My daughters are teenagers and I am not so old that I do not remember being a teenager myself. That is what worries me. I remember all the dumb things I thought about the world and had no idea what I wanted out of life. That conversation didn't come up. I really don't know if it would have changed anything. I just remember thinking, "I wish someone would have told me then." Though considering what an arrogant little shit I was, I probably would not have listened.

Anyway!....here are a few of the things I tell my daughters.

1. Boys want to have sex with you! They will spend a great deal of time and energy thinking about having sex with you and how they can convince you that doing it is a good idea. Your job is not to let them! I do not want to be a young grandmother. sex=babies in my mind and that is very true. Trust me, I know how to make babies.

2. You have to be the one to look out for your best interests. This is one I heard my brother say to my daughter about 6 years ago. It went right on the list. I realized that is such a true statement. I can have the best intentions, but individuals have to decide what is in their own best interests. I can want my children to be happy and successful, but they have to decide what happy and successful means to and for them.

3. It is important to be accountable for your actions or lack thereof. I feel like I am a carpenter trying to hammer this one home when it comes to my children. If you want something to change and you don't do something about it, then it won't change. PERIOD! If you say you want something and don't do anything to move toward getting it, you won't get it. If you have to turn in all of your homework in order to go to an after school event, and you don't do it, YOU WON'T GO. ...sigh, I'm getting heated. next...

4. Mommy loves you. I know that my mother loves me. Even though there were times that I am sure she wishes she didn't. I was such a shit when I was younger. I believe I said that earlier. I get the impression that others don't have that knowledge. I am confident that if my mother and I had a knock down drag out argument tomorrow, that she would still love me forever. PERIOD. I know that my children know that I love them, but I still worry that they are not confident in that knowledge, but they must be. They keep testing me. I have seen how hard it can be on a person that doesn't know that they are loved by their mother and I don't want that for my children. I am going to have to acknowledge that I my children know that I love them and make some changes. Someone I love very much seems tormented by their perceived disappointment of their mother. Their pain is my pain and they are going to have to make choices to let that go and move toward what is in their own best interest.

There are a lot more, I may add some later.

The affects of radiation on Man in the Moon Marigolds

Life is crazy. Life is great! My life is greatly crazy.


In June, while my sister and brother-in-law were visiting and doing some much needed work on my P.O.S. car, I slipped and fell at a gas station while taking the little street luge for a test drive. The following 3 months were a blur of pain, drugs, doctor's visits and physical therapy. I am back at work now and trying to get things back on track. It is crazy that in my last posting I said that I could just get in bed and stay there for a month. It turned out to be three months! Careful what you wish for.

It is amazing how pain is an appetite suppressant! I woke up in pain for months and eating was the last thing on my mind. My home is set up so there is nothing that is particularly quick, I ate a lot of fruit and fresh vegetables. I was still managing to eat, but the amount was much less and the quality was much higher. I lost weight. The physical therapy that I started doing helped a lot. I have even committed myself to doing it at home once the therapist released me to go it alone. So far so good.



Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but not always.

Take that heading with a grain of salt. My dark clouds have silver linings, always. It is only a matter of time before the lining catches the sun and gleams like no body's business! I know this in the very core of my being. I was talking to my mother the other day and I realized that this truth of my life is not so for everyone. I think that is amazing, but see examples of this all the time. People can get so mired in negativity that they don't see the amazing things that happen all around them.



Personal Example:

In November of 2000, I had a bad experience that, at the time, really sucked! Now, 9 years later, I praise the Lord every time I think about it. I was shocked, hurt, betrayed and financially broken. I cried and pulled myself together. I told my friends and coworkers what happened and was blessed beyond my expectations. That devastation and the way I reacted to it, with hope and resiliency, opened the door for some great things.

Something good has come from the bad things that has happened to me. I have friends and family that can't say the same. I can only think that it is because of how they handle adversity. I know that when things get crazy for me, if I stop and appreciate the blessings in my life, I can handle anything. I worked with a woman about five years ago who used to tease me about my positive attitude. I could look at about anything from more than one perspective. There is something good that can be said when things look bad. Granted, there are times when "Dude, that sucks." is the only thing that can be said, but it is an identification with the issue.

Something I learned in 3 months of being horizontal.....

I want to be at home! All the pain aside, I enjoyed seeing my children day after day. They and their godfather made a horrible time much more bearable. I enjoy cooking and have decided to start taking baby steps to work my way toward a little luncheonette.

Step one: The Pink Box of Happiness. My home baking business that will become a catering business with the same name.

Step two: Make connections and get my product in people's hands and stomachs.

Step three: Don't give up.

I hope to have a home style pub and luncheonette. Where you can get good comfort food and a beer if you want one.

Pray for me. That a blessing will come from this too.

More to come.

Cooking my way to happiness...

They say you shouldn't trust a skinny cook. If that's true, I must be the most trustworthy cook alive!

Between work, family, my children, my health and other various concerns I am practially a zombie after all the bills are paid. One of the many things that bring me happiness is cooking. It is my form of artistic expression.


I have always appreciated other people's ability to express themselves artistically. I can talk, but not sing, dance or play an instrument in a way that will elicit anything but a fervent request to stop lest someones life be extinguished by their overzealous attempts to plug their ears with anything within reach. My daughters both play an instrument and play for me sometimes. I have managed to attend more than one of their orchestra concerts this school year. I am very pleased by that fact because I normally make it to about 2 a year. I have managed to attend five or six this year. My oldest daughter plays the viola. I love to see the peaceful look on her face when she is playing. That look is that same way I feel when I cook.

If I feel particularly sad, I will want to cook something. There is something very satisfying about selecting ingredients, cutting, sauteing, mixing and sprinkling until something wonderful happens. I am a mad scientist in the kitchen. I will experiment with different spices, food preparation techniques or ingredients. If you look at what I've cooked in the last 4 days, you might think I was suicidal! Friday I made a pound cake, coconut macaroons and salmon/tuna cheese buns (I'm still working on a better name for that), a Coley experiment that turned out very well. One might think that after all of that baking I would be tired. I didn't sleep at all that night. I was so tired the next day that I slept most of it. Sunday I decided I wanted to make something, but I didn't know what. I told my daughter to make a suggestion. She suggested cobbler. I thought, "Great! I have never made one of those. First time for everything." The Internet is a wonderful place full of information about things other than porn and I found a recipe that was remarkably easy. I also had all of the ingredients on hand so cherry cobbler was born! It was pretty tasty. I will have to make that one again.

Monday?! I should have been swimming and getting a tan. The pool isn't open yet and it is overcast. No dice. Man I feel blue. I'm tired and overwhelmed with all I have to do between doing better at work, keeping order at home and managing my weight and health, I feel like I just want to get into bed and stay there for a month. So I made a pound cake, 2 loaves of Italian bread, 1 loaf of white bread and more tuna/salmon/cheese thingies. They all turned out wonderfully and the bread will last til next weekend. There are times I feel a sense of pressure because of all I have to do and all I am responsible for.

My health has been taking a back burner to other things and it's gotten to a point that it has to be addressed or I may be out of commission while things are brought into order. Still I want to cook. Money is tight so I keep trying to find new and different ways to turn spices and rice into something different. It is a challenge that I take head on and enjoy because it gives my inner "mad scientist" a chance to shine!

More to come!

Weight Update and Underware rant.....

I bought a scale. I didn't want to but the place that was was weighing on a regular basis fell off the face of the planet and the scale at work is messed up so I had to take matters in to my own wallet.

I had to go to the store to pick up a filter for the AC unit at the apartment and came across a scale for a decent price. I have been under 400 lbs for quite some time and don't plan to go back over, so my "traffic cop" was purchased. I said that I didn't want to weigh myself everyday, but I have. It is interesting how you can put the plate down when you know that you are going to have to stare down at the indeglow screen telling you that you've gained weight. Damn, I shouldn't have had that second, third helping. I am now celebrating 75 lbs down in the past year or so.

As my weight comes down and I have more lose skin, I realize the importance of support garments. Support? It's more like infrastructure. As I truss and strap myself up in the morning, I have a deeper appreciation for those garments. I also realize that my mother didn't teach me enough about underwear. I didn't know what bra size I wore until I was an adult. Sad.

When I called my mother to tell her that I'd lost weight, she sent me a girdle. I thought it was a strange gift. I have since purchased a few more. I have noticed that my waist is starting to appear. It's pretty cool. I wonder if there will be a day that I will be able to get up and not have to put on my spandex to keep things from moving when I stop moving. The more I think about it, the more I realize that as gravity takes it's toll on my body, the more I will need. True.

I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. Looking back on pictures from my youth, I wasn't fat. I was big, but not fat and being active would have worked that all out. Well, I wasn't active. I gained weight when I was 17 and pretty much kept gaining.

I tend to think of many things when it comes to my sisters and me like competition. Weight has never really been one of those things. Now my older sister has upped the ante. She had gastric bypass surgery a few weeks ago. Now I have to drop weight so I can get all of her "fat" clothes when she can't wear them anymore. Should this really be a motivation? HELL YEAH! She is a very sharp dresser! She has some really cute clothes. I would love to have them. Since I'm her sister, I get first dibs! I can think of at least 10 pieces of her clothes that I can't wait to get my hands on. Greed is a mighty motivator. Sad but true.

More to come!

Weight Update, Sippin' in Support

I'm down under 380! I'm excited because it is headed in the right direction. My sister was in the hospital for a few days and I told her that I was going to go on a liquid diet for a week as a way of showing my support for her.

I was amazed that I made it as long as I did. I personally thought that I would not make it to Thursday. I started my fast on Monday and it ended very early Sunday morning as I was not going to deprive myself of my mother's day breakfast in bed.

My friends were very supportive of the endeavour. One friend offered to make me lunch my first day back at work after finishing my fast. Anything I wanted. I asked for corned beef and cabbage. This particular friend is a good cook and we call ourselves "food friends" so when she offers food, I accept. It is never a bad idea. She came through in spades! She even sent me the food via a mutual friend because she was not at work Monday. She sent so much food! It took me all day to put a dent in it and I couldn't finish it all. It was delicious, simple and I smiled the whole day long. I couldn't even finish it all.

The time turned out to be a good detox period and now I am on track to see the numbers on the scale go down even more.

More to come!

Neighbor Update

Since my last post there have been some developments. I contacted the corporate office of the apartment complex I live in.

I was getting ready for work one Tuesday morning last week and as I listened to the gentle sounds of the rain outside, I heard the familiar sound of splashing water on my patio. The week before I made yet another call to the apartment office to inform them that my neighbor was still sweeping dog crap off her balcony. They called me back and said that she wasn't doing it anymore. She lied! I was fuming! All I could think of was the fact that on the next warm day, I would have a fog of dog poo all around outside. It had to stop!

Since the apartment office refused to do anything, I decided to go over their heads. The Internet provided me with the number to the main office and I'd gotten the name of the manager over the apartments earlier in the hopes that they would snap to and get moving on fixing my issue. No one wants to have their "big" boss coming down for a conversation about poor job performance. Well that trick didn't work, nothing happened. So I had to use the name.

I called and calmly explained my situation, keeping in mind that I had to keep it simple and not yell or rant. I work in customer service and yelling and ranting never do much but frustrate the yeller/ranter. She responded in a way that I felt was appropriate under the circumstances and promised a call back.

A couple of days later the neighbor rings my doorbell and proceeds to make her child apologize for spitting milk and cereal onto my patio. A stupid display of just how little control over her child she has. I listened and when she was done, I closed the door. I thought that someone must have had a hard talk with her about the mess that has been going on. There have been no more poo deposits, but the flies that are feasting on previous deposits are there and make using my patio out of the question. The saga continues, I am ready for what ever comes next!

Save your spare change! I may need bail money!

My life in a Drum and beside a toilet!

I thought I would do an update on my neighbor situation.

It has not improved. In fact it has gotten worse. They have dogs now.

They leave the dogs on the balcony all the time and the dogs piss and poop up there. My neighbor "cleans up" after them by sweeping the dogs mess down onto my patio. It has been going on for more than a month. I have complained to the apartment office practically weekly and nothing has changed.

Yesterday, before I left for work, I heard the familiar splashing sound of the water and piss raining down onto my patio. I called the apartment office last week to let them know that she was still doing it and was told that she said she would stop. She didn't. Since I have had no success, I decided to take my complaint to the next level. My plan was to include a complaint letter with my rent check this month, but after seeing that my neighbor was going to continue the filthy practice, I changed my mind and called the main office. I also followed up with a complaint letter, sent to the main office via fax.

Now that the weather is starting to warm up I cannot use my patio for the smell of dog urine and feces. Not to mention the bugs that are feasting on the weeks upon weeks of deposits into my bushes. It is inhuman!

I have already formulated a plan of action. I have been following the chain of command and know what recourse I have if the corporate manager doesn't take appropriate action to stop this filthy injustice.

It is all I can do not to become a featured story on that show "Snapped"! This woman's children are filthy, rude and she obviously doesn't like them from the fact that she lets them run around in overloaded diapers without pants, socks or shoes. Talking to her doesn't work because she doesn't see the error of her actions. The manager of the apartment complex seems to want me to solve the problem. Really?!
She doesn't want me to solve it because there will be police, paramedics and a coroner involved. Problem solved.

Working in customer service gives me a different perspective in these types of situations. It has started to affect my work.

It is hard to be empathetic to someone about paying their bill when there is a TOILET outside my window!

More to come!

Potatoe Salad Changed my life!

I love to cook. I think I'm rather good at it, so I like to eat too.

Cooking on a budget in these economic times is cause for some creativity. I believe that doing my cooking simply is the best way to achieve a wonderful result.

Recently my sister gave me some potato salad that her sister-in-law made for a Sunday family gathering. It was wonderful! I'm not even a fan of potato salad, but this one was great. It changed the way I look at salads that are prepared similarly.

What was so unique about this salad? It's freshness. There were crisp onions, celery and fresh potatoes that were cooked just right.

Ever since then I have made my salads with fresh onions and celery to give it a bit of crunch that is a wonderful layer of texture in the experience of eating something made with love.

When I am feeling down and want to feel better, I cook. If I want to feel better, I cook. I don't have to worry about who's going to eat it because I have the children home to get it gone.

Next food blog will be about cinnamon bun loaf!

Stay tuned! More to come.

My life in a Drum!

Living in an apartment has its pros and cons.

Relatively speaking, I've been fortunate in that my neighbors have pretty much been cool people that I don't mind sharing a wall with. Some of my neighbors of the past have not been so lucky. Having children there is a certain noise level that is to be expected. Often this noise level is higher than is polite when living in a multi-family dwelling.

I've lived in my current location for a little over a year now. It's nice. I believe my neighbors are good people that do good work and come home to the piece and quiet of our little borrowed piece on the planet.

Since I moved away from Raleigh, NC I have consistently lived in places that had no one living below me. I have children and they don't often pay attention to how hard they stomp their way around. I often felt sorry for the family that lived below me in Raleigh because my children were in Kindergarten and second grade at the time. Every step they took sounded like they had bricks for feet.

When we moved to where we are now I specifically asked for an apartment that was on the ground and that no one live below us. I thought that was a good idea. My sons were 1 and 2 at the time and I just didn't want to put anyone through that kind of torture.

The building in my complex has experienced some movement lately and for about six months the apartment above me has been empty. About a month ago a family moved in above me that sounds like a herd of elephants every time they move around. I keep odd hours and apparently so do the adults though the children sound like they are up much later than this mother would tolerate EVER! To top is all off they have a dog, a puppy no less. I can only assume that they are crazy or horribly inconsiderate though I suspect both are true. Why? You might wonder.

Well, my dear reader, the list is thus:
-They have small children, and these children are on the balcony unsupervised, though I suspect the adult in inside sitting on the couch.
-These children, when I saw them last, were outside with out clothes on! I saw one in a diaper and tee shirt the other shirtless and wearing pants when the temperature was 60 degrees F outside. I know it was warm for the general temperatures around that time, but you cannot like your children very much if you let them run around like that.
-At night I hear the sliding glass door open and close five or six times in a short period of time. I don't know if they are arguing over whether or not to keep it closed or open, but it's like they don't know how the darn thing works.
-The dog is yelping late at night and they seem not to know or don't care to do anything about it.

I could go on, but it would only serve to aggravate me.

One night there were about ten loud booming sounds and I finally went up there to tell them that I have children that are trying to sleep. It is by the grace of the good Lord that the noise didn't wake one of them up or there would have been a national news report about a crazy woman throwing a family out of their second story balcony in North Carolina. I rang the door bell as they are screaming and laughing. I hear, "Uh oh." and an adult opens the door. I simply state that "I have children that are trying to sleep." and she turns to the two children and tells them "I guess we have to stop."

Guess?!?!

Yeah, you need to stop or there won't be enough therapy to fix the trauma. An angry mother who wants to make sure her young children get the sleep is not to be trifled with. Especially when she tosses your inconsiderate tail out the window for disturbing her.

I was ticked off that an adult answered the door and that said adult would allow children to JUMP OFF OF THE FURNITURE in an apartment above one that was obviously occupied! I guess there's no accounting for poor home training.

I was thinking about gathering my whole clan up and going up there to knock on the door to introduce ourselves. "Hi, my name is Nicole and these are my children. When you walk around like slue footed monkeys you are disturbing us." More as a show of potential force than a polite introduction. You don't mess with this family. We are not nice people when our rest and peace are interrupted.

I'm just waiting for the day that a piece of plaster drops on my head as I'm composing a blog entry and then I will completely snap. An angry bang on the door and the rhetorical question, "Do you know what this is?" as I display the piece of plaster in my hand and dust on my head. Knocking out the person as the confusion sweeps over their being. "It's plaster from my ceiling you turd! Learn to walk like a higher mammal and not some stupid monkey!"

As I type this I can hear the little ones thumping around happily unaware of the storm that coming.

I give a pass on the noise between the hours of 8 am and 8 pm, that is when you are supposed to be awake and moving around. From the looks of the family they can use all the exercise they can get. This pot is calling that kettle. Honey, it takes one to know one.

I'll keep you posted. Whoosaa!

Travel Tales

Well, I'm back from California. 10 wonderful days of great weather, loving family, new friends and wonderful food!

There was so much interesting that happened, I don't know where to start so I will start at the beginning.

My flight out to California by way of Texas left North Carolina at 5:50 am Friday morning. I have not flown since before 9/11 so I had not experienced travel in it's current configuration. Concerned about missing a damn o'clock flight, I arrived 2 hours before boarding. There was no one in the terminal! Hmm, ok. I needed to get a lock for my bag so we went to Wal-Mart. Wandered around there for a little bit and took the long way back to the airport.

I was so excited about getting on the plane that I didn't want to sleep. So I didn't! I drank an entire pot of very strong, very tasty coffee and kept it moving.

I made it through airport security well enough. I hopped on a small plane that made me feel that I should have worked harder to get more weight off, but I was pleased that I had lost some weight all the same. I had to change planes in Dallas and boarded a larger plane, I felt more secure that an unexpected fart would not blow us out of the sky. I don't know what the PC term for them is, but the flight attendant, or one of them was freakishly skinny! When I see people like that I think, "Eat something!" I don't advocate an unhealthy lifestyle, but come on! This woman made an average height to weight proportioned woman look like a fat cow! To top it off she was unpleasant. I could only think that the poor woman was hungry and that is why she was so ill spirited. As I departed the plane, I looked at her and thought, "Have a nice day and retire girl! Go get some steak or something!"

I walked out of the terminal and as the LA sun poured into the windows, I see my wonderful brother-in-law. I hugged him and we headed off to wait for my bag. I packed more clothes than I needed, but I wanted to be prepared for whatever and my sister told me that she was going to send some stuff back with me so my checked back was very light. He tossed my bags in to the back of his truck and we headed off to find some food. Mexican! or something like that. We got something to eat, gassed up the truck and we were off to Ft. Irwin! Even though I napped on the planes, I was still sleepy. The ride to Ft. Irwin was a blur of cars and the brown expanse of the nothing that the base is in the middle of.

I will post another entry about the food.

On the trip back the airline had to make a passenger leave because he was trying to start a fight with another passenger. I never realized how the inside of a plane dampened noise until some drunk butt hole tries to make a scene and I can't hear what he is saying from six feet away. I could only see his mouth moving and some ill-chosen profanity he decided to spew. I didn't realize that the flight included a floor show. the unfortunate person beside me did not seem amused. My attempts at polite conversation went without response. Eh, I had 9 days worth of memories to flip through while I rode.

When the plane landed in NC, I was happy to be home. I peaked out of the door to take my first breath of NC air, a snow flake passed my face! "Oh Snow!" I squealed like a child. "I hope I don't slip." I thought. It was good to be home. My daughters really rose to the challenge while I was gone. My Blessing made sure they were kept in line. I was really happy that I brought them something back.

More to come!

A visit to my mother and from my spirit guide

Ok. I went to visit my mother this past weekend because I will be gone for two weekends. Even though I have gone to see her for the previous two weekends, I must be seen before I get on a plane to California.

It is hot in my mother's house. I normally dress in layers that I can immediately peal off after crossing the threshold of her home. Or I simply create a circuit track between her den, kitchen, living room and the front porch; ending up on the porch for some cool air and a cigarette.

The temperature in my mother's house is normally about 80 degrees Fahrenheit, once it was nearly 90! I didn't check because I was not going to spend the night and I'd rather not make her uncomfortable for the 8 or so hours that I was going to be in her home.

My mother put some frozen pork chops in the oven to become jerky before we arrived and I decided early on that I was not even going to try to eat that. I told her that I was going to get some chicken and she asked me to go to Wal-Mart while I was out. A 40 minute trip just became 90. Okay mom, anything for you. Whatever gets me out of the hot box. It is too cold to be running in and out of the house every 10-15 minutes. Off we went.

In the time we were gone she must have cranked up the heat to "hell" or something. I went in, sat down to eat and basically lost consciousness!

I slept for about 90 minutes during which time I met with my spirit guide Nyuru, a cat, who told me that things were going to get better.

Confused, I woke up and felt like I'd been hit in the head with a bag of bricks! Dazed and slightly nauseous, I stumbled to the bathroom and wondered why on earth I was feeling so bad.

I got the kids packed up. When I was outside making sure that nothing was hanging out of the car, I realized that I was feeling better! Did I have a stroke? I didn't think it was that hot, but as my body cooled in the evening breeze moist with the rain of the day, my mind started to clear and my head ache started to subside.

While I was able to maintain consciousness, I did have a nice visit with my mother. She was just happy to have the noise in the house. My three year old babbled for two hours straight and has not learned the difference between his inside voice and outside voice. He did fold his arms in a huff when I tried to get him to sing the Hokey Pokey. cute, but no performance for grandma!

Three more days and I'm California bound!

Clear the runway, I'm ready for take off!

More to come...

Teenage Stupidity and the search for a cure.

Let's just be realistic, there is no cure. Though I call myself a hopeful person, the prospect is grim that Teenage Stupidity will ever be wiped from the face of the earth.

I have an afflicted living with me. She is 15 and I fear that it might be fatal. Why? Because I just may wring her neck!

Sigh.....here's the story.

So my 13 year old daughter comes home from school Thursday and she is hysterical. I got up and went to calm her down. She was crying uncontrollably. I finally got her calm enough so I could understand the words she was trying to say. All I could make out was "I got an 'F'! " and she then began to cry. My mind was racing, I didn't know what to say. She has never made an F before and the last time she made a D, I thought she would have to be sedated. She was about to put herself in shock.

"Did you talk to your teacher?" I asked.
"No, she (sob sob sob) and I couldn't (sob sob sob) to her" was her reply.
"It will be ok. Go talk to your teacher and find out what you can do about the grade. There's nothing you can do about it now. Calm down." I said comfortingly.
"(Sniff sniff) Ok Mommy. I'm sorry. I'll do better." she whimpered as she began to calm.

She has always been one to beat herself up more about her grades than I could ever. We love learning and I can realistically say that my children are smart. I like to think that I am a mother that isn't stupid, but like all mothers I can be in denial about the reality of my children not being little babies anymore.

All of that drama over grades made me think. Wait, I have not seen 15's grades this quarter. I have four children in the house with work life and home life competing for my attention. Paying bills and making sure there is beans and rice on the table is a lot to juggle. From time to time I lose track of things. The 15 has been using this to her advantage.

I go to her and ask, "How are your grades? I have not seen anything all quarter."

A blank stare.

Never a good response.

Her Honors English teacher has her grade book on-line so I decide to take a look. "Tell me the password." I command. She gave me something that I put into the computer and it didn't work. I had her repeat it twice and got frustrated. I knew that there was something there that she didn't want me to see. I saved the password to the grade book the last time I used it. I just didn't want to go to the other computer. Fine, I'll go back there and look it up. It wasn't good. We had a conversation about her grades after the first report card and I told her that it would not be nice if she chose not to be responsible for her grades. I noticed that she had a zero for not turning in a signed progress report. A free 100!? Just for owning up to the fact that she was failing!

Exasperated, I e-mailed her teacher asking for help. "What can we do to help her?" I included my home and cell phone numbers just in case she could call. She did. A mere three hours later. I was please to have the chance to speak with her. Especially since I sent the message after 5 pm. She told me how wonderful and smart my daughter is. She said that she was not turning in her assignments.

My blood began to boil.

What would she have to say for herself. After seeing the grades, 15 pulled out all manner of books and papers and began to work in earnest on some homework assignment. A display that angered me more than anything else. As easy as it was for her to pull out that homework, she could have just as easily done the same thing all quarter long.

We are faced with the very real possibility that she may not pass her grade because of this subject.

A typical symptom of TS (teenage stupidity) is the inability to see the big picture. She doesn't understand that the decisions she makes today will reap consequences that she will have to deal with tomorrow.

Now I am faced with creating an object lesson. This will be a particularly daunting task because 15 has always just adjusted to what ever punishment was dealt. You can't watch TV, she reads books. You can't read books, she crochets. You can't use the computer, she uses the computer at school. Arrrrgh!

She has now placed herself in self imposed exile. Avoiding eye contact and whispering feigned apologies that have gotten old and meaningless. I told her that the only way she can really apologize is to show me that she isn't doing to do these stupid things anymore.

Choices, it's all about choices. I have made choices that I am dealing with the consequences of to this day.

In her defense, she has experienced a hard 2008. Some of which was out of her control. Issues with her thieving sperm donor and bad choices around personal relationships can cause TS to flare up and take an effect on the afflicted's mental processes. You can only be a victim for so long before you choose to take responsibility for what is yours.

Pray for me. If you see a national headline about a crazed woman in North Caroline going on a rampage. It was just me. Send bail money.

More to come...

I can hardly wait!

I'm a twin. I never really gave that fact much thought because it is the reality of my life.

People used to ask me all the time "What's it like having a twin?" I never really understood why someone would ask me that because I never walked up to a single birth and asked them what it was like NOT to have a twin. I later came up with a stupid response that I abandoned once I reached adulthood. "What's it like to be a single birth?" ~psssrrt~ I was such a dumb a$$.

Now? I have a much better and heartfelt response. "It's GREAT!" I love my sister very much. My narcissism won't let me do anything but. She looks too much like me.

We weren't always close. I don't think any siblings are ever always close. Through the years we have come to learn that loving each other and being the best biggest cheerleader is a much more fun way to live.

I have two daughters and I hope that they can see from the example that I set in dealing with my sisters that they can do for each other and have a positive uplifting relationship too.

My sister's husband took her to California in May 2008. He's in the military and got stationed out there. I knew when they got married that it would happen. It was just a matter of when. We found out for sure on our birthday in 2008. It put a damper on an otherwise pleasant day. I stayed late that night and tried extra hard to have a good time. They came to spend her last night in the state with me before driving 70% of their worldly possessions across country.

Now our birthday is coming up and I'm going to California! Years of paying my account on time have paid off in the form of a trip out there that only cost me $20.55 round trip. I'm leaving January 23rd and returning February 2nd. I've been counting down since before Christmas. The holidays went by like a blur because I'm looking forward to January. It makes me sad because I know that the time out there won't be long enough. My plan is to make the most of it as possible. Hugs everyday! Playing with my twin nieces! Cooking and Baking! Visiting with all the new friends that she's made. I can hardly wait!