Poem: Time with you

It's like time has rewound.
I smile like a teenager.
My infatiuation has changed into something else.

To you every sigh has meaning.
To me, we have meaning. Though I have not figured it out yet.
I think and think about you and me but I can't see what my come.
I live in a world of psychics and empaths. The possiblities are ever evident.

I have none of that with you.  I just have happiness and the knowledge that my past is my past and the future will unfold as it was meant to.
I know what I want.  I know where I want to be.

A good time to me. Your arms around me. The smell of your cologne and telling and hearing stories of our youth.  The excitement in your eyes when you talk about the things that are important to you is inspiring.  The look in your eyes when you see me, magical.

Happy New Year!

I wish you all a Happy and Wonderful New YEAR!

Signs of the times.

I have been going on dates from time to time since July.  I've had some good times and some not so good times.  I have thought I was done looking once, but it didn't work out that way.

I've met someone that has my eyebrow raised and I think I am going to hang up my dating shoes for a minute and see how my relationship shoes feel.  The thought of being in a relationship again is scary. I tell myself that I am single for a reason, and that those reasons are sufficient to keep me from letting someone call me their "number one."

Time Will tell....then I'll tell you.

Anthropology - Sometimes I feel like such a nerd.

Anthropology:
–noun

1. the science that deals with the origins, physical and cultural development, biological characteristics, and social customs and beliefs of humankind.
2. the study of human beings' similarity to and divergence from other animals.
3. the science of humans and their works.
4. Also called philosophical anthropology. the study of the nature and essence of humankind.

Every time I go out to dance and/or have drinks I love to people watch.  The more sober I am, the more scientific and analytical my observations become.  I also take into account my own reactions to the things I see.  A man in an ill fitting suit.  A woman in some heels that she is working, she knows she's working them and anyone that looks at her sees that she is working them and she is jamming like those things don't hurt.

My mind often wanders to the television shows that I have watched about animal mating rituals and natural and artificial means of attracting a mate.  Then I look across the room, across the dance floor.  As the Cupid shuffle begins to play and the women line up to switch, step and sway, I think about tribal dance and see painted faces, colourful clothes, "feathers", gems and other decorations.  I look to see the men looking over the women. Selecting a prospect? No. Admiring the works? Probably.  I often see men approach a woman after one of these displays.  There are a couple of dances that the men get up to strut their stuff, but more often than not it is the women that are looking to be seen and approached.

I've never been good at that kind of thing.  I enjoy dancing.  I prefer to dance like I'm the only one that cares what I'm doing.  This fact will one day be an embarrassment to my children, but it hasn't yet.  I must be a good dancer or they are bad.  I like to think I'm a good dancer.  I let the music take me off someplace happy and free.

Anyway.  I can wear makeup but prefer not to.  I have pretty jewelry and nice clothes.  I like to feel pretty when I go out.  I like it when someone looks nice because they know that I am going to be looking at them.  Just for me.  My "bait" is normally my voice, coupled with my mind.  I speak clearly, smoothly and have clever things to say from time to time.  I find that as long as I look at people as a curiosity and not a potential relationship, I can be pretty charming.  I also have a nice smile and extremely soft skin. I'm just sayin'.

I get such a kick out of watching other people talk and flirt.  I wonder what they are thinking about each other.  I try to figure out what their body language is saying.  Being a certified "road dog" I meet many people second hand. (pun?)  I pride myself on not being the first one ready to go.  I'm down to watch the whole spectacle.  Objectively or subjectively, it all depends on my level on intoxication.

Lately my level of intoxication has been very low.  So I notice more, but ignore just as much.  I am good for going to the bar to get a drink and barely noticing anyone I may pass.  I do, however, have to work to keep a soft smile on my face.  I tend to get deep in thought and start to look rather mean.

I notice the awkward looking guy holding his drink like a shield.  He seems to hope someone will notice him, but not too sure what he would do if they did.  I notice the beautiful woman with a nice body and cute dress that hates her shoes and looks mad for no obvious reason.  I notice the esthetically unpleasing guy with a beautiful woman and she looks happy and he looks like he would rather be home.  It is almost like a life action where's.......fill in the blank.

I've been dating.  So I've decided to join the "fun." I'm trying to get some words together to convey a some of what I've experienced.

More to come...

Facebook Update

I reactivated my Facebook account.I have found other ways to entertain and inform myself while on my break from it.

I had a few messages from friends that noticed I was back in their friend list.  I have not posted an update lately.  There is so much on my mind, I don't know what I want to share.

A friend of mine from work once told me that my Facebook status messages are all over the place.  One day they are deep, then funny, then just plain strange.  I was pleased to hear him say that, because that is me.  I'm not deep all the time.  I'm not funny all the time.  I am pretty strange about all the time, but I just don't let it hang out too often.  I am me. I think hateful things that I don't say. I do nice things that I don't talk about.  I think it is normal to be that way.  Though normal is not how I would describe much in my life.

I have noticed that I am not as into Facebook as I once was.  I would rather do something around the house.

More to come...

Observations While Out in the World

I enjoy going out.  I have said that I enjoy watching people interact with each other.  I know that when I wear a blouse that shows some cleavage, it is because I want someone to see it.  Sometimes I just feel sexy. Sometimes I want to show off my tattoo.

Going out to a club can be better than going to the movies for me.  I get to watch a mix of all the things I like. Romance, Comedy, Drama, Suspense all set to music. Some of the music I know or music I don't know.

Last night I went out with my sister.  We did the "cheap date" dinner, had drinks and just caught up.  I like to tell her stories of my dating experiences.  We like to talk about the things we see and the things we want to do.

I have to admit that while at the "club" we went to I normally drink.  I didn't last night.  I had a beer with dinner and a couple of mixed drinks.  I know it wasn't enough to even get me tipsy.  Let me just say that I know I need to find someplace else to go when I think, "I'm not drunk enough for this mess!" or if I find myself wishing for some other altered state of consciousness.  I would have been able to fool myself into thinking I was having more fun than I actually was.

I did see some people that I like seeing.  That is always nice.  Though not enough to promote my continued presence.  I did see someone I haven't seen in a while.  I don't know this person at all.  We danced together back in July and he was a great dancer.  I didn't recognize him until I saw him on the dance floor.  I know his name and that he is a good dancer, but really nothing else.  Oh, I learned something else.  Breath mints! The man needed a box of breath mints.  I went over to speak and when he turned to me and opened his mouth, My eyes started to water as the smell of hot, rotting fish filled my nostrils. I blinked and prayed the conversation would be brief.  He said a few other things and asked me if I was dancing tonight and I said, "Maybe later."  I hoped I would be able to find him a mint or offer him some gum before we were face to face on the dance floor.  I had to go make sure my skin didn't peel off a bit.  I was stunned.  Later I was thinking, "I'm not drunk enough for this." and soon realized that I need to find someplace else to go.

Let's see how that adventure goes...

Move is a "four letter word"

I hate moving. I really hate moving. I really really hate moving. I really really really hate moving!!!

I am a pack rat. It is amazing the amount of clutter that one family can accumulate in the course of about three years. I've been spending some of my time off facebook working with some of the clutter. I don't want to move a bunch of trash, which is what I did the last two times I moved. Every session of sorting, shredding and trashing is bringing me closer to a more organized and peaceful home.

I go home after work and set a timer for about 20 minutes and work on a pile of mail, school papers or old papers that have been pulled out from under, well only the good Lord knows where all my crap was stashed. I've come across papers from five years ago. I'm saddened by that. Though I'm not embarrassed because, I'm not a hoarder. After watching a couple of episodes of that show, I can't help but want to throw away anything that I can't logically justify having. I do have some things that really should be donated to somewhere they can be put to good use. Like the box of remnant yarn I keep pulling out and putting back in my closet. I have not crocheted anything in over eight months. I CAN crochet, so that means I should have yarn around in the event a "string flinging" episode overtakes me and I must make something that won't match, stylistically speaking, anything that I or my children wear. Yeah, I'm digging that box out of my closet tomorrow!

I have a modest collection of shot glasses. I have been eyeing them lately, but I've decided they will stay for now. They are fun and they make me look like a drinker. LOL. Maybe I'll post them on ebay or something so someone can buy them. I guess I'll keep about 6 to 12 of them. I'll go home and count them to find out that I have like 14, so I'll end up keeping them all. They don't take up a lot of space anyway.

I think I will invest in a scrapbook or photo album. I have a lot of pictures just piled up in a box and not where they can be looked over or appreciated. I think I will make that my "hobby" project to encourage me to keep my facebook time to a minimum and do something that is creative with my hands, something that my family can enjoy.

The search for another place to park my pillow has been very frustrating. I have budget constraints and don't want to over tax my resources. It really sucks that what I want and what I can easily afford are so distant in reality. I will keep looking and hopefully find my upgrade soon.

Update: Facebook

Saturday will be four weeks without facebook.

I thought it would be harder, but it hasn't been that hard at all. Luckily, I like to watch shows on-line. I've caught up on some of the shows I like. I've gotten some direct messages from friends that miss me on there and feel that I am missing out on some networking opportunities, but feel I am spending more time doing for me and those important to me.

I am still struggling with my writing. I want to get to the point where I have stories to tell that are funny.

I am going to read a book about the five love languages. I also plan to read Act like a Lady, think like a man or something like that. I've read some excerpts and think I want to read more.

More to come...

Facebook Break

Ever the "Mad Scientist", emphasis on the Scientist more so than the Mad. I've decided it was time to take a break from "Facebooking my life away" as my teenage daughter puts it. She says that because she has not been allowed to open a facebook account.

I am going to dedicate the time that I would normally be on facebook to working on getting my home decluttered and organized. Fifteen minutes at a time.

The reason I deactivated my account was personal, but I've decided to turn the situation to my advantage. Lemonade and all that.

I have already noticed that Facebook was one of the first sites I went to when I went on-line. Now? Youtube! I have play lists that I run while I am working around my room. The next one is Hulu. I've been able to catch up on some of my favorite shows.

I think I will also work on putting my cook book together. I have a lot of recipes. Every time I try something new, I have a recipe for it. That way I can duplicate it. I hate to have made something that turned out really tasty and not be able to do it again. I am going to focus on working my business more and getting back on a regular baking schedule. Since the weather has been hot, I have not been motivated to get orders. Not that fall is almost year, I'm going to have some fun trying some new sweets and experimenting with bread recipes.

I've been off for almost a week. My short term goal is to be off for two weeks and I will take it one week at a time from there. Who knows! I might not go back for months.

Time will tell.

More to come....

Happy School Year ~ Mother Rant

I love smart people. I want my children to be smart people. School is one place to learn things, but let's not forget the importance of learning at home. Too often we experience the lack of common courtesies in the way people treat each other.

It kills me and makes me proud at the same time when people talk about how polite my children are. . . .like it's strange. The fact of the matter is that it is strange for a 4 and 5 year old to have manners. It shouldn't be, but it is. My sons say "Please" and "Thank You" it is a part of how we interact at home and a part of how they are expected to act when they are not home.

My teen aged daughters, though at times they may lose their minds a little, are respectful and polite. They try to be helpful and know how to do things like cook, clean and take care of basic personal needs. Don't get me wrong. We have our moments when they are nuts. A trip down the hallway on the old "mommypult" can bring them back to reality. It is the little things, you know? That keep things together. It feels good to have my daughter tell me that she is starting to notice how different her upbringing is from that of her friends. She told me of a comment made by a family friend about the fact that she can cook. The woman said that young women these days don't know their way around the kitchen. That conversation highlighted for my daughter that there was something different about the way she was being raised versus her friends.

Anyway! School has started and this is the first year that everyone is involved in school outside the home. I don't know how to act with the house all quiet after I get back from my "Morning Mommy Rounds." Today, I'm tired. Very tired. I just want to lie down and sleep for 6 or more straight hours. I didn't get to do that for the first day. It was my own fault.

A new school year is full of possibilities. New friends, old friends, new teachers, old teachers, new subjects and new challenges, not to mention old ones. I want my children to be pumped up about all of the positive things that can happen while being cautious of the bad things. They know it is important for them to be in place on time and prepared for the tasks of the day. They know it is important to stay on top of the resources they need and manage the ones they have in a responsible way. It is an ongoing process. I try to be consistent. That too is an ongoing process.

This was all prepared on little sleep and even less food. Hopefully my next post will be more coherent.

More to come...

My thoughts on loss...

In the past 10 years or so, I have had more friends than family members pass away. It seems like by the time I have dealt with the grief of one passing, the news of another comes down the line.

Every time I'm saddened about the passing of a friend or loved one, I want to remember the positive experiences I had with them.
-Admiring a co worker's frankness
-Joking with another about parking our car when we thought something was wrong, like just sitting would resolve whatever was making that noise under the hood
-telling my old manager the he was going to have to take me to HR when I lost the weight I was working to lose because I was going to be slapping people
-corny jokes
-The lesson in chivalry I witnessed when I went bowling with a couple of guy friends a few years back.

**You know that moment when you start to look at someone in a whole new way? Now they are all gone. Only memories, stories to tell when their name comes up in conversation with friends.

I never know what to say when someone passes. I don't know what I would want to hear so it is hard for me to think of what would comfort someone else. There is no making someone feel better when they lose someone they love. All we can offer is comfort and condolences. Sometimes there are no words.

"Thank You & Good Night!"

"The best laid plans" and all that crap.

I'm kicking myself right now. I missed the slam! I've been waiting for months to attend this slam.

July 17th marked the beginning of a very welcome invasion. My sister and her family arrived Saturday evening and stayed until the 29th.

The day of the slam I went out with my sisters to go shoe shopping. I really don't like to shop for shoes for myself. I enjoyed the girl time with my sisters. We haven't done that before so it was nice to go to different places and try to find shoes that we liked. I actually found some shoes and was very pleased because the last time I went shoe shopping, I couldn't find anything and went home disappointed.

Anyway worked the night before and spread myself a little thin with what I wanted to get done. When we got home from shoe shopping, I had to sit down for a little bit. There is normally an open mic before the slam and I was thinking that I had time to rest up some before heading out to the slam. We left the house at 9 and got there just as the host was saying to the crowd, "Thank you and good night!"

Damnit! I missed every single word. Some of my favorite North Carolina poets were in attendance. Sigh, we chatted and socialized some and went for ice cream before heading on in to the house. I had to listen to my body and slow it down because bad things happen when I push too hard. God willing I will be able to attend something else in the future.

More to come...

Platinum! ~ Grownups are allowed to drink.

Life has been interesting for me lately. I've been pulled in all different directions while trying to listen to my heart beat and find the passion in my life. I have never been a very passionate person. I try to look at things simply, think flexibly and be nice.

I am not much of a drinker. I would go so far, at times, to say that I am not one at all. I know that now, better than I ever have before.

It is strange how life happens. I found out today that a friend from work passed away Friday. Sometimes things happen so fast that it can be overwhelming to think about.

Friday was that day. I didn't hear about my coworkers passing until later when I got to work. My cousin had a car accident Friday afternoon, he was not hurt, and my sister and I went to pick him up. Later that evening, my daughters' stepsister had a blow out and their godfather was kind enough to go pick her up and bring her back to our apartment where she would be safe until her mother could come get her the next morning. I invited a friend to come out with my sisters and me who had car trouble and didn't make it out. The bright side is that no one was hurt. The flip side is that folks are broke now.

People are what is important, irreplaceable. Money comes and goes.

I was looking forward to this night for a while. I didn't have to work the following night so I was going to drink as much as I wanted knowing that I didn't have to get up to go to work the next day. I made sure I had someone to see that I got home safe and grabbed a drink. Platinum! 7x distilled, whatever that is supposed to mean. It was relatively inexpensive and effective. Mixed a few drinks and let the room spin begin. I'll be the first to admit, I over did it. I had a good time, so I'm told. From what I remember, I had a good time and from what I don't remember, I had a good time. Needless to say, it won't be happening again anytime soon.

No Slam for me......it's going to be a great show!

THURSDAY, JULY 22ND
8PM - 10PM
KRANKIES COFFEE - 211 East 3rd Street, Winston Salem, NC 27101
(336) 722-3016‎

Support the Piedmont Slam team as they compete in a mock slam against The Bull City Slam Team, Slam Charlotte and other slam teams from the NC and SC area! This slam will be a fundraiser and preparation for the National Poetry Slam in St. Paul's MN, Aug 3 - 7.

I planned to participate in the slam, but I got this in an e-mail. I am a little disappointed about it. I am excited about the show! These people go at it like the rent is on the line. I'm still going. I don't know if there will be an open mic, so I guess I will be a spectator. That lady. You know the one. The one that hoots and hollers louder than anyone else. Not that drunk lady, no, no, no. I'm that enthusiastic one. The one that cheers for the new person and shows love to the artists that moved me that night.

I haven't written anything new, but I have been practicing my other pieces. I have the voice part recorded of two pieces and am at a stand still on recording others. I don't like the sound of my voice, but I like the sound of my twin sister's. The awful thing is that we sound almost exactly alike.

I have come to really enjoy spoken word performances. Sometimes I listen and the piece is thought provoking. Others, I am purely entertained. I love it when it is an experience. That is why I'm looking forward to the slam in July. There will be a few teams there and it should be interesting. A couple I have seen before and some I haven't. Since I can't go on the slam tour and see some of the larger competitions, it is nice to know that I will be able to see one of the stops on the Slam Tour.

Feel free to come on out. I'll be the loud one in the corner down front. Peace and Blessings.

Yikes! My bad!

I can't believe that it has been so long since I've posted. I was reading a blog that I follow and thinking, "I've been doing good to post on mine. Wait! I haven't posted in almost two months! Crap!"

Well life has been busy. The summer is here and my children's school year is over so now I have them to keep me company when I should be sleeping. Working til 3 a.m. is nuts when your children get up like the military. 5 a.m. and the troops are on the move. I love the faces people make when I tell them that my children get up at 5 in the morning. It's like they can't understand why. Children love chaos, they need order.

Life has been happening since I last wrote. I started dating, sort of. I stopped dating, for real. I've been working my business and then business fell off a little bit. Now it is starting to pick up again. I am thinking about investing in some catering supplies. My business has been presented with some opportunities to network. I am still trying to figure out what my next steps need to be. I had the conversation today so I am still thinking on it and I'm going to pray on it before I go to sleep tonight.

I think that my life is like a tide. Ebb and flow of the water. Things are a little hectic for a bit then they calm down. My business is cranking with three orders a week for a month or so and then no orders for a few weeks. It worked out great because those weeks were when things were a little crazy. I am so blessed.

I have been trying to be my house in order. Mostly tackle my clutter. I want to be able to have company on short notice and not feel anxious about what my house looks like. It is a process, but I will not let my anxiety keep me from welcoming an unexpected guest.

I will be attending a family reunion this weekend. It is my father's family. I have not attended one of theirs in a while. It is so hard to be around them because they look like him and sound like him. It is surreal. I am hoping for a nice time. It will be a nice way to kick off my children's visit with my mother. They will be visiting for a few weeks and we are all going somewhere together before they stay with her to spend their summer quality time.

I will get something else written soon to share. Until then...More to come.

Poem: Does it Bother You?

Does it bother you not to hear my voice?

Do the sweet vibrations of my vocal cords sweetly saying your name, calling you names and calling your name as I.................sigh, remember your touch, make you remember the way my skin feels on your skin?

Do you think about me when you are angry? Rage against the world that saddens me.

Does it bother you that what I want to do to you is so much more than physical? Knowing that you miss me as much as I miss you, but I won't admit it. For now.

Does it bother you that I am the way I am with you because of the way you are with me? No disguise, no game, no judgement, just good times.

Does it bother you to let me go because you think without you I'm free?

Or could it be.....

I don't want to talk to you, I want to see you. I want to make you smile. I love it when you fight it.

I know that you can feel the something special in me, but you don't know what it is. Laughter is easy around you and I can't help but smile.

Know that when you let me go, I will come back as long as your arms are open to receive me.

Does it bother you that we still may never be?

Creative Ramble

Creatively speaking I have been all over the place lately. I've been writing, cooking, experimenting in the kitchen and I have even been playing around with the prospect of producing a CD. No, not singing.
I know enough that I can't sing. I can hum and occasionally I may be able to make a pretty sound, but I am smart enough to know that is not singing. So I keep it to the confines of a room full of people or church where the sound is masked my those much more capable than me in the creation of consistent lovely tones.

My voice is my clay today. Saying words in different ways like playing with a slinky as it goes up and down. Playing with my breath, creating pauses and hoping it all comes together to make a discernible picture. I feel like I'm playing with finger paint, and hoping someone else can see what I am slapping on the paper. Do you?

If I could do something with this, I would have a spot where I could make all of the food that my imagination calls for and in a space that people could come to hear and be heard.

I am in the process of putting together something, but it is still in the planning stages. I hope to share more soon.

I was thinking the other day that I write this blog like I have so many readers. I appreciate the fact that you take the time to read what I write. One reader on one million, the words are still the same and I hope you enjoy!

Peace and Blessings! More to come....

Poem: Edible Chocolate Fantasy

I LOVE a challenge. Is that what you'll be? Chocolate poured all over me.

Dark and smooth, a voice so sweet. My edible chocolate fantasy.

The way you stir me up, temper me, with just the right amount of heat. Cool me til I shine, that's the best way to be. I'm for you and you're for me.

Or am I like ice cream? Cold as ice, sweet, mmmm, yeah that's it. Stick out your tongue and do that trick. Lick, Lick. (Motherfucker)

That look you get in your eye when you see me. Makes me think of an edible chocolate fantasy. The way you slide your arms around me, I melt. There is just no other way I can be. Covering you in my edible chocolate fantasy.

I am SO pleased to be...

But what are you to me? The chocolate to my peanut butter. The sugar to my taffy. My Decadent Distraction. So good, but probably not good for me.

Perceptive, adept , expressive and clever, I so want to figure you out. The way you turn a phrase, I am amazed at the subtle way you go about messing with my mind. I think somehow you've damaged me. So these words inside come spilling out.

YOU'RE SUCH A WRITER! You bring out the writer in me.

Your hot cocoa butter cream, caramel dream and though it seems. There is so much I want to know and some I'm scared to see. What are you like when you're not around me?

Hot dark chocolate, ready for me to dip my peanut butter. My heart starts to flutter when I remember the way you eat me.

120! Not boiling, but so hot. You've got my head spinning and juices, so sweet, flowing. Can you handle what's cookin' in this honey pot?

Hour after hour, we will devour the pieces of eachother we share. Could this be?

Edible.

Chocolate.

Fantasy.

I'm for you and you're for me.

Poem: Hostage

So you want to hold ME hostage? The thought makes my heart race. Held tight in your arms, bound by your passionate embrace.

Captivated and captured, for a time. Pushing to be free, but my desire is to be held. By you. I relent. Being detained, but not trapped, I am safe within your grasp.

I will be your hostage. Closed into your embrace. Bound by your gaze and calmed by your voice. Your hands like shackles on my wrists, holding me. I cannot run, no need to hide. I am here.

My desire for you is primal. Animalistic in its execution. Teeth on flesh, nails in skin. That spot..........that only you seem to be able to find. Feeling your hands in my hair, electricity courses through me. A whisper, a sigh and I try to break free. This moment is all that exists. Reality calls me back to it. Exhausted, I cannot return.

Gatekeeper, release me. My responsibilities beckon me and I must go. Fierce and dangerous, my release leaves you marked. Chained. I am in your thoughts.

I will let you hold me hostage...for as long as it takes ...until I have served my time...I want to be your hostage...for we are imprisoned in this pattern of life...love..spirit. Until I break free. Will you pursue? Try to capture me again for the things I do to you?

Does that make you think? Are you captive? Filling your mind with thoughts of my caresses. Binding you and locking you in a cell of the four walls of my touch, kiss, breath and bite. Isn't that right?

You are mine and I am yours, for a time. Captured by and for each other, until our time is up and we must part. Missing you, missing me, missing we and we must be apart.

Thieving time for a chased embrace and show of affection. The chase is on. Until that time when I am yours and you are mine. It's true.

I am your hostage? Take me now. I've already got you.

Poem: Lost & Found

I get lost so easily.

I get lost going "home", I get lost coming back. I get lost in my thoughts and find myself in a place I didn't mean to be.

I'm so glad you found me.